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Background Music This is where we are putting the shockabuku movies. They have no timeline and any character can play any role they damn well want to. These are actually real movie scripts with name changes and a few other things...we don't change the titles so you can give credit to the correct people. The first one up is "The Breakfast Club". Tenshi is almost finished with "Clue" and I, Oni-Chan, AM still working on "the Matrix" Auracat has hers up now. The Breakfast Club The Breakfast Club Against Black, TITLE CARD: "...and these children that you spit on, as they try to change their worlds are immune to your consultations. They're quite aware of what they're going through... - David Bowie" The Blank Screen and Title Card SHATTER to reveal... ORANGE STAR HIGH SCHOOL During Lucas's monologue, we see various views of things inside the school including Shiroi's locker. Lucas (VO) Saturday...March 24, 1984. Orange Star High School, Satan City,Japan. Dear Mr. Pheonix...we accept the fact that we had to sacrifice a whole Saturday in detention for whatever it was that we did wrong, what we did was wrong. But we think you're crazy to make us write this essay telling you who we think we are, what do you care? You see us as you want to see us...in the simples terms and the most convenient definitions. You see us as a brain, an athelete, a basket case, a princess and a criminal.Correct? That's the way we saw each other at seven o'clock this morning. We were brainwashed... We see Trinity and her FATHER sitting in their car in the parking lot. Trinity is the prom queen and is clearly a snob. Trinity I can't believe you can't get me out of this...I mean it's so absurd I have to be here on a Saturday! It's not like I'm a defective or anything... Trinity'S FATHER I'll make it up to you...Honey, ditching class to go shopping doesn't make you a defective. Have a good day. Trinity rolls her eyes and gets out of the car and walks up the school front steps We are in Lucas's car. His MOTHER is there and so is his little SISTER. He is sort of a nerd. Lucas'S MOTHER Is this the first time or the last time we do this? Lucas (upset) Last... Lucas'S MOTHER Well get in there and use the time to your advantage... Lucas Mom, we're not supposed to study; we just have to sit there and do nothing. Lucas'S MOTHER Well mister you figure out a way to study. Lucas'S LITTLE SISTER (annoyingly) Yeah! Lucas'S MOTHER Well go! Lucas gets out of the car and walks towards the school. We see Gohan and his FATHER. Gohan is clearly a jock; heís wearing a lettermanís jacket with lots of patches on it. Gohan'S FATHER Hey, I screwed around...guys screw around, there's nothing wrong with that. Except you got caught, Sport. Gohan Yeah, Mom already reemed me, alright? Gohan'S FATHER (angry) You wanna miss a match? You wanna blow your ride? Now no school's gonna give a scholarship to a discipline case.Gohan gets out of the car and walks into the school. We see Shiroi walking towards us. He is wearing sunglasses. A car is coming towards him but he doesn't stop walking. The car slams on its breaks directly in front of him. Shiroi gets out of the frame. Out of the car steps Simoriah. She is dressed all in black. She steps forward to look in the car's front window and the car drives away. There are six tables in two rows of three.Trinity is sitting at the front table. Lucas comes in and sits at the table behind her. Gohan comes in and points at the chair next to Trinity at the front table. She shrugs and he sits there. In walks Shiroi, he touches everything on the checkout desk and takes a few things in the process. He walks over to where Lucas is sitting and points to the table on the opposite side of the Library. Lucas reluctantly gets up and moves. Shiroi sits at the table where Lucas was and puts his feet up. Simoriah walks in. She walks all the way around the library and sits in the back corner table, just behind Lucas. Gohan and Trinity look at each other and snicker. Lucas looks at her in confusion and then turns away. Enter Pheonix, a teacher. He holds a stack of papers in his left hand. He addresses the group with such disrespect it makes you wonder how he ever got the job. Pheonix Well...well. Here we are! I want to congradulate you for being on time... Trinity raises her hand. Trinity Excuse me, sir? I think there's been a mistake. I know it's detention, but...um...I don't think I belong in here... Pheonix doesn't care. He just continues to talk. Pheonix It is now seven-oh-six. You have exactly eight hours and fifty-four minutes to think about why you're here. To ponder the error of your ways... Shiroi spits into the air and catches the spit in his mouth again. Trinity looks like she is going to gag. Pheonix ...and you may not talk. You will not move from these seats. He glances up at Shiroi and points at him. Pheonix ...and you... Pheonix pulls the chair out from under Shiroi's feet. Pheonix ...will not sleep. Alright people, we're gonna try something a little different today. We are going to write an essay--of no less than a thousand words--describing to me who you think you are. Shiroi Is this a test? Pheonix passes out paper and pencils and takes no notice of Shiroi. Pheonix And when I say essay...I mean essay. I do not mean a single word repeated a thousand times. Is that clear Mr. Shiroi? Shiroi looks up. Shiroi Crystal... Pheonix Good. Maybe you'll learn a little something about yourself. Maybe you'll even--decide whether or not you care to return. Lucas raises his hand and then stands. Lucas You know, I can answer that right now sir...That'd be "No", no for me.'cause... Pheonix Sit down Walenchek... Lucas Thank you sir... He sits. Pheonix My office... Pheonix points. Pheonix ...is right across that hall. Any monkey business is ill-advised... He looks around at them. Pheonix ...any questions? Shiroi Yeah...I got a question. Pheonix looks at him suspiciously. Shiroi Does Barry Manilow know you raid his wardrobe? Pheonix I'll give you the answer to that question, Mr. Shiroi, next Saturday. Don't mess with the bull young man, you'll get the horns. Pheonix leaves. Shiroi That man...is a brownie hound... Everyone tries to get comfortable and we hear a loud snapping sound. Lucas turns and looks and it is Simoriah, biting her nails. Shiroi's eyes widen as he turns to look. Everyone is looking now. Simoriah notices them looking at her. Shiroi You keep eating your hand and you're not gonna be hungry for lunch... Simoriah spits part of her nail at Shiroi. Shiroi I've seen you before, you know... We see Pheonix look out from his office. We see Lucas playing with his pen. Lucas (quietly to himself) Who do I think I am? Who are you? Who are you? He attaches the pen to his bottom lip and puts the top under his upper lip. Lucas I am a walrus... Shiroi looks at him in utter confusion. Lucas notices this, laughs and takes the pen out of his mouth -- embarrassed. Shiroi and Lucas begin to take their jackets off at the same time. They both notice this. Lucas stops removing his jacket. Shiroi takes his all the way off. Lucas rubs his hands together and pretends to be cold. He pulls his jacket back on. He turns and looks at Shiroi who is still staring at him. Lucas It's the shits, huh? Shiroi glares at him and Lucas utters an uncomfortable laugh. Shiroi turns away and crumples up his essay paper. He throws it at Trinity. It misses and goes over Trinity's head.Gohan and Trinity acknowlege it but continue to ignore Shiroi. Shiroi starts loudly "singing" the musical part of a song. ìNah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah...nah, nah, nah...î Trinity (to herself) I can't believe this is really happening to me... Shiroi stops "singing" abruptly. Shiroi Oh, shit! What're we s'posed to do if we hafta take a piss? Trinity (disgusted) Please... Shiroi If you gotta go... We hear Shiroi unzip his fly. Shiroi You gotta go! Everyone is now looking at Shiroi. Trinity (disgusted) Oh my God! Gohan Hey, yer not urinating in here man! Shiroi Don't talk! Don't talk! It makesit crawl back up! Gohan You whip it out and you're dead before the first drop hits the floor! Shiroi gasps mockingly. Shiroi You're pretty sexy when you get angry...grrr! He turns to Lucas. Shiroi Hey, homeboy... Lucas points at himself with his pen. Shiroi ...why don't you go close that door. We'll get the prom queen--impregnated! Trinity turns and glares at him. Gohan Hey! Shiroi ignores him. Gohan Hey! Shiroi What? Gohan If I lose my temper, you're totalled man! Shiroi Totally? Gohan Totally! Trinity (to Shiroi) Why don't you just shut up! Nobody here is interested! Gohan Really! (to Trinity about Shiroi) Buttface! Shiroi Well hey Sporto! What'd you do to get in here? Forget to wash your jock? Lucas (nervous) Uh, excuse me, fellas? I think we should just write our papers... Gohan (to Shiroi) Look, just because you live in here doesn't give you the right to be a pain in the ass...so knock it off! Shiroi mockingly registers pain in his face. Shiroi It's a free country... Trinity (to Gohan) He's just doing it to get a rise out of you! Just ignore him... Shiroi (to Trinity) Sweets...you couldn't ignore me if you tried! Trinity rolls her eyes. Shiroi So...so! (to Gohan and Trinity) Are you guys like boyfriend/girl-friend? (a beat) Steady dates? (another beat) Lo--vers? (another beat) Come on Sporto, level with me. Do you slip her the hot...beef...injection? Trinity and Gohan turn to face Shiroi, both furious. Trinity (screams) Go to hell! Gohan (screams) Enough! Pheonix'S OFFICE We see Pheonix in his office. Pheonix (yells) Hey! What's going on in there? (to himself) Smug little pricks! LIBRARY They all look at each other. Gohan turns away from Shiroi. Gohan (to himself) Scumbag! Shiroi stands up and walks over to the railing. He sits on it. Shiroi What do you say we close that door.We can't have any kind of party with Pheonix checking us out every few seconds. Lucas Well, you know the door's s'posed to stay open... Shiroi So what? Gohan So why don't you just shut up! There's four other people in here you know... Shiroi God, you can count. See! I knew you had to be smart to be a...a wrestler. Gohan Who the hell are you to judge anybody anyway? Trinity Really... Gohan You know, Shiroi...you don't even count. I mean if you disappeared forever it wouldn't make any difference. You may as well not even exist at this school. Shiroi probably is upset at this and he pauses a moment before speaking. He doesn't let his emotions out, however. Shiroi Well...I'll just run right out and join the wrestling team. Gohan and Trinity look at each other and laugh at Shiroi. Shiroi (to Trinity) Maybe the prep club too! Student council... Gohan No, they wouldn't take you. Shiroi I'm hurt. Trinity You know why guys like you knock everything... Shiroi (to himself) Oh, this should be stunning... Trinity It's 'cause you're afraid. Shiroi (with mock enthusiasm) Oh, God! You ritchies are so smart, that's exactly why I'm not heavy in activities! Trinity You're a big coward! Lucas feels left out. Lucas (to no one imparticular) I'm in the math club... Trinity See you're afraid that they won't take you. You don't belong so you just have to dump all over it... Shiroi Well...it wouldn't have anything to do with you activities people being assholes...now would it? Trinity Well you wouldn't know...You don't even know any of us. Shiroi Well, I don't know any lepers either, but I'm not gonna run out and join one of their fucking clubs. Gohan Hey let's watch the mouth, huh? Lucas again feels he needs to contribute. Lucas I'm in the physics club too... Shiroi (to Trinity) S'cuse me a sec... (to Lucas) What are you babbling about? Lucas Well, what I said was...I'm in the math club, the Latin club and the physics club...physics club. Shiroi nods and turns to Trinity. Shiroi Hey...Cherry...do you belong to the physics club? Trinity That's an academic club... Shiroi So? Trinity So...academic clubs aren't the same as other kinds of clubs. Shiroi Oh, but to dorks like him... Shiroi points at Lucas. Shiroi ...they are. (to Lucas) What do you guys do in your club? Lucas In physics, um, we ah, we talk about physics...about properties of physics. Shiroi So it's sorta social...demented and sad, but social. Right? Lucas Yeah, well, I guess you could consider it a social situation. I mean there are other children in my club and uh, at the end of the year we have, um, you know, a big banquet, at the, uh, at the Hilton. Shiroi You load up, you party... Lucas Well, no, we get dressed up...I mean, but, we don't...we don't get high. Trinity (to Shiroi) Only burners like you get high... Lucas And, uh, I didn't have any shoes. So I had to borrow my dad's. It was kinda weird 'cause my mom doesn't like me to wear other people's shoes. And, uh, my cousin Kent...mycousin Kendall from, uh, Indiana...He got high once and you know, he started eating like really weird foods. And uh, and then he just felt like he didn't belong anywhere. You know, kinda like, you know "Twilight Zone" kinda. Trinity (laughs) (to Shiroi) Sounds like you... Gohan Look, you guys keep up your talking and Pheonix's gonna come right in here...I got a meet this Saturday and I'm not gonna miss it on account of you boneheads... Shiroi (to Gohan) Oh and wouldn't that be a bite... Shiroi lets out a moan of fake agony. Shiroi Missing a whole wrestling meet! Gohan Well you wouldn't know anything about it, faggot! You never competed in your whole life! Shiroi (with mock hurt) Oh, I know...I feel all empty inside because of it. I have such a deep admiration for guys that roll around on the floor with other guys! Gohan Ahhh...you'd never miss it. You don't have any goals. Shiroi Oh, but I do! Gohan Yeah? Shiroi I wanna be just--like--you! I figure all I need's a labotamy and some tights! Lucas becomes interested. Lucas You wear tights? Gohan (to Lucas) No I don't wear tights, I wear the required uniform... Lucas Tights... Gohan (defensive) Shut up! They hear Pheonix moving around out in the hall so Shiroi quickly comes and sits in the chair between Trinity and Gohan. He folds his hands on the table. Pheonix goes back into his office. Shiroi laughs and gets up. He starts walking towards the double doors that separate the library from the hallway. Lucas You know there's not s'posed to be any monkey business! Shiroi turns and points at Lucas. Shiroi (in a stern voice) Young man...have you finished your paper? Shiroi turns back away and goes to the door. He looks around cautiously and removes a screw from the door. Trinity What are you gonna do? Gohan Drop dead, I hope! HALLWAY We see Pheonix getting a drink at the fountain. He stands up and checks the way he looks in a mirror. He does a muscular pose and utters some manly jibberish ìCobadonga!î Lucas looks up. Shiroi is messing with the door to the library. Lucas Shiroi, that's, that's school property there...you know, it doesn't belong to us. It's something not to be toyed with. The door slams shut. Shiroi runs back to his seat. Gohan That's very funny, come on, fix it! Lucas You should really fix that! Shiroi Am I a genius? Gohan No, you're an asshole! Shiroi What a funny guy! Gohan Fix the door Shiroi! Shiroi Everyone just shhh! HALLWAY We see Pheonix walking back to his office. He stops and listens to them through the closed door. Shiroi (OS) I've been here before, I know what I'm doing! Gohan (OS) No! Fix the door, get up there and fix it! Shiroi (OS) (screams) Shut up! LIBRARY We see Lucas as we hear Pheonix in the hall. Pheonix (OS) God damnit! He opens the door and storms in. Pheonix Why is that door closed? For a few seconds no one says anything, they just stare at Pheonix. Pheonix Why is that door closed? Shiroi How're we s'posed to know? We're not s'posed to move, right? Pheonix turns to Trinity. Pheonix Why? Trinity We were just sitting here, like we were s'posed to... Pheonix looks around and looks at Shiroi. Pheonix Who closed that door? Shiroi I think a screw fell out of it... Gohan It just closed, sir... Pheonix looks at Simoriah in the back. Pheonix Who? Simoriah lets out a squeak and slams her face onto the table, hiding in her jacket hood. Shiroi She doesn't talk, sir... Pheonix (to Shiroi) Give me that screw... Shiroi I don't have it... Pheonix You want me to yank you outta that seat and shake it out of you? Shiroi I don't have it...screws fall out all of the time, the world's an imperfect place... Pheonix Give it to me, Shiroi... Trinity Excuse me, sir, why would anybody want to steal a screw? Pheonix (to Trinity) Watch it, young lady... Pheonix goes over to the door. He tries to hold it open by putting a folding chair in front of it. Shiroi The door's way too heavy, sir. The door slams shut despite the chair. Pheonix (OS) God damnit! They laugh. Pheonix opens the door again. He comes back in. Pheonix (pointing) Son Gohan...get up here. Come on, Front and center, let's go. Gohan gets up and walks over to Pheonix. Shiroi Hey, how come Gohan gets to get up? If he gets up, we'll all get up, it'll be anarchy! Pheonix and Gohan are now attempting to move the steel magazine rack in front of the door. Pheonix Okay, now, watch the magazines! Shiroi It's out of my hands... They get it into the doorway and it blocks the entire door. Shiroi That's very clever sir, but what if there's a fire? I think violating fire codes and endangering the lives of children would be unwise at this juncture in your career, sir. Pheonix thinks about it. He turns to Gohan. Pheonix Alright, what are you doing with this? Get this outta here for God's sake! What's the matter with you? Come on! Lucas You know the school comes equipped with fire exits at either end of the library. Lucas points at them and Shiroi glares at him. Shiroi (to Lucas) Show Dick some respect! Gohan and Pheonix come back into the main section of the library. Pheonix (to Gohan) Let's go...go! Get back into your seat. Gohan sits. Pheonix (to Gohan) I expected a little more from a varsity letterman! (to Shiroi) You're not fooling anybody, Shiroi! The next screw that falls out is gonna be you! Pheonix turns to leave. Shiroi (under his breath) Eat my shorts... Pheonix spins in his tracks and faces Shiroi again. Pheonix What was that? Shiroi (loudly) Eat my shorts! Pheonix You just bought yourself another Saturday, mister! Shiroi Oh, Christ... Pheonix You just bought one more right there! Shiroi Well, I'm free the Saturday after that...beyond that, I'm gonna have to check my calendar! Pheonix Good! 'Cause it's gonna be filled, we'll keep goin'! You want another one? Say the word, just say the word! Instead of going to prison, you'll come here! Are you through. Shiroi No! Pheonix I'm doing society a favor! Shiroi So? Pheonix That's another one, right now! I've got you for the rest of your natural born life if you don't watch your step! You want another one? Shiroi Yes! Pheonix You got it! You got another one, right there! That's another one pal! Trinity (worried) Cut it out! Trinity mouths the word "Stop" to Shiroi. Pheonix You through? Shiroi Not even close, bud! Pheonix Good! You got one more, right there! Shiroi Do you really think I give a shit? Pheonix Another... Shiroi glares at him. Pheonix You through? Shiroi How many is that? Lucas That's seven including the one when we first came in and you asked Mr.Pheonix here whether Barry Manilow knew that he raided his closet. Pheonix (to Shiroi) Now it's eight... (to Lucas) You stay out of it! Lucas Excuse me, sir, it's seven! Pheonix Shut up, Peewee! (to Shiroi) You're mine Shiroi...for two months I gotcha! I gotcha! Shiroi What can I say? I'm thrilled! Pheonix Oh, I'm sure that's exactly what you want these people to believe. You know something, Shiroi? You ought to spend a little more time trying to do something with yourself and a little less time trying to impress people. You might be better off. (to everyone) Alright, that's it! I'm going to be right outside those doors. The next time I hafta come in here...I'm cracking skulls! (Shiroi mouths ìIím cracking skullsî) Pheonix leaves and closes the door. A musical riff builds to a climax as Shiroi screams. Shiroi (screams) Fuck you! We see the clock, it reads a quarter to eight. We see Shiroi, lighting his shoe on fire and lighting a cigarette with his shoe. We see Trinity thinking. We see Lucas playing with his balls. We see Gohan playing with his sweatshirt. We see Simoriah pulling a string around her finger and making it turn purple. We see Shiroi put the flames on his shoe out. He then plays air guitar. We see Simoriah drawing. We see Gohan playing paper football. He cheers silently. Simoriah shakes dandruff from her hair onto her picture. We see everyone fall asleep. LIBRARY Later. Pheonix is standing there staring at the sleeping kids. Pheonix Wake up! Who has to go to the lavatory? Everyone raises their hands. LIBRARY Later. We see the clock, it now says 10:22. We see Gohan stretching. We see Shiroi tearing pages out of a book. He is tossing them around. Gohan That's real intelligent. Shiroi You're right...it's wrong to destroy literature... He continues to tear pages out. Shiroi It's such fun to read...and, Molet really pumps my nads! Trinity (pronouncing it correctly) Mol-yare. Lucas I love his work. Shiroi tosses the rest of the pages at Lucas. He picks up the card catalogue drawer and begins to take cards out. Shiroi Big deal...nothing to do when you're locked in a vacancy.. Gohan Speak for yourself... Shiroi Do you think I'd speak for you? I don't even know your language! Gohan turns to Trinity. Gohan Hey, you grounded tonight? Trinity shrugs. Trinity I don't know, my mom said I was but by dad told me to just blow her off. Gohan Big party at Stubbies, parents are in Europe. Should be pretty wild... Trinity Yeah? Gohan Yeah, can you go? Trinity I doubt it... Gohan How come? Trinity Well 'cause if I do what my mother tells me not to do, it's because because my father says it's okay. There's like this whole big monster deal, it's endless and it's a total drag. It's like any minute...divorce... Shiroi Who do you like better? Trinity What? Shiroi You like your old man better than your mom? Trinity They're both screwewd. Shiroi No, I mean, if you had to choose between them. Trinity I dunno, I'd probably go live with my brother. I mean, I don't think either one of them gives a shit about me...it's like they use me just to get back at each other. Suddenly, from the back of the room. Simoriah speaks. Simoriah (loudly) Ha!!! Everyone looks at her shocked. Simoriah blows her hair out of her eyes and grins. Trinity Shut up! Gohan You're just feeling sorry for yourself... Trinity Yeah, well if I didn't nobody else would. Gohan Aw...you're breaking my heart... Shiroi Sporto... Gohan What? Shiroi jumps down and goes next to Gohan. Shiroi You get along with your parents? Gohan Well if I say yes, I'm an idiot, right? Shiroi You're an idiot anyway...But if you say you get along with your parents well you're a liar too! Shiroi turns and walks away from him. Gohan follows and pushes Shiroi. Gohan You know something, man...If we weren't in school right now, I'd waste you! Shiroi points his middle finger at the floor. Shiroi Can you hear this? Want me to turn it up? Shiroi flips his hand around so he is now giving Gohan the bird. Lucas comes over and puts a hand on each of the guy's shoulders. Lucas Hey fellas, I mean... Gohan pushes away from Lucas. Lucas ...I don't like my parents either, I don't...I don't get along with them...their idea of parental compassion is just, you know, wacko! Shiroi turns to Lucas. Shiroi Dork... Lucas Yeah? Shiroi You are a parent's wet dream, okay? Shiroi starts to walk away. Lucas Well that's a problem! Shiroi Look, I can see you getting all bunged up for them making you wear these kinda clothes. But face it, you're a Neo-Maxi-Zoom-Dweebie! What would you be doing if you weren't out making yourself a better citizen? Gohan Shiroi I'm being honest, asshole! I would expect you...to know the difference! Gohan Yeah well, he's gotta name! Shiroi Yeah? Gohan Yeah, (to Lucas) What's your name? Lucas Lucas... Gohan See... Shiroi (to Lucas) My condolences... Shiroi walks away. Trinity (to Shiroi) What's your name? Shiroi What's yours? Trinity Trinity... Shiroi Trin-Ittie? Trinity Trinity...it's a family name! Shiroi Nooo...It's a fat girl's name! Trinity Well thank you... Shiroi You're welcome... Trinity I'm not fat! Shiroi Well not at present but I could see you really pushing maximum density! You see, I'm not sure if you know this...but there are two kinds of fat people. There's fat people that were born to be fat, and then there's fat people that were once thin but they became fat...so when you look at them you can sorta see that thin person inside! You see, you're gonna get married, you're gonna squeeze out a few puppies and then, uh... He mimes becoming fat, making noises. Trinity gives him the finger. Shiroi Oh...obscene finger gestures from such a pristine girl! Trinity (resentfully) I'm not that pristine! Shiroi bends down closer to Trinity. Shiroi Are you a virgin? (a beat) I'll bet you a million dollars that you are! Let's end the suspense! Is it gonna be... (another beat) ...a white weddin? Trinity Why don't you just shut up? Shiroi Have you ever kissed a boy on the mouth? (a beat) Have you ever been felt up? Over the bra, under the blouse, shoes off...hoping to God your parents don't walk in? Trinity is getting upset. Trinity Do you want me to puke? Shiroi Over the panties, no bra, blouse unbuttoned, Calvin's in a ball on the front seat past eleven on a school night? Gohan Leave her alone! Shiroi slowly stands and faces Gohan. Gohan I said leave her alone! Shiroi You gonna make me? Gohan Yeah... Shiroi walks over to where Gohan is standing. Shiroi You and how many of your friends? Gohan Just me, just you and me. Two hits. Me hitting you, you hitting the floor! Anytime you're ready, pal! Shiroi goes to hit him but Gohan gets Shiroi down on the ground with a wrestling move. Shiroi I don't wanna get into to this with you man... Gohan gets up. Gohan Why not? Shiroi gets up. Shiroi 'Cause I'd kill you...It's real simple. I'd kill you and your fucking parents would sue me and it would be a big mess and I don't care enough about you to bother. Gohan Chicken shit... Gohan turns and walks away. Shiroi takes out a switchblade and opens it. He stabs the switchblade into a chair. Gohan Let's end this right now. You don't talk to her...you don't look at her and you don't even think about her! You understand me? Shiroi I'm trying to help her!. We see the janitor, Kuro come into the room. Kuro Lucas, how you doing? Shiroi Your dad works here? Lucas is embarrassed. Shiroi Uh, Kuro? Kuro What? Shiroi Can I ask you a question? Kuro Sure... Shiroi How does one become a janitor? Kuro You wanna be a janitor? Shiroi No I just wanna know how one becomes a janitor because Gohan here, is very interested in persuing a career in the custodial arts... Kuro Oh, really? You guys think I'm just some untouchable peasant? Peon? Huh? Maybe so, but following a broom around after shitheads like you for the past eight years I've learned a couple of things...I look through your letters, I look through your lockers...I listen to your conversations, you don't know that but I do...I am the eyes and ears of this institution my friends. By the way, that clock's twenty minutes fast! Everyone groans. Shiroi smiles. Gohan Shit! Pheonix'S OFFICE The clock says 11:30. Pheonix gets up and leaves. LIBRARY Shiroi starts to whistle a marching tune and everybody joins in. Pheonix enters. Shiroi begins to whistle Beethoven's 5th. Pheonix Allright girls, that's thirty minutes for lunch... Gohan Here? Pheonix Here... Gohan Well I think the cafeteria would be a more suitable place for us to eat lunch in, sir! Pheonix Well, I don't care what you think,Gohan! Shiroi Uh, Dick? Excuse me, Rich...will milk be made available to us? Gohan We're extremely thirsty sir... Trinity I have a very low tolerance for dehydration. Gohan I've seen her dehydrate sir, it's pretty gross. Shiroi stands. Shiroi Relax, I'll get it! Pheonix Ah, ah, ah grab some wood there, bub! Shiroi grins. Pheonix What do you think, I was born yesterday? You think I'm gonna have you roaming these halls? He points at Gohan. Pheonix You! He points at Simoriah. Pheonix And you! Hey! What's her name? Wake her! Wake her up! (to Simoriah) Come on, on your feet missy! Let's go! This is no rest home! Simoriah gets up. Pheonix There's a soft drink machine in the teacher's lounge. Lets go! HALLWAY Gohan and Simoriah are walking in the hall. Gohan So, what's your poison? Simoriah doesn't answer. Gohan What do you drink? Simoriah still doesn't answer. Gohan Okay...forget I asked... Simoriah waits for two beats and then speaks. Simoriah Vodka... Gohan Vodka? When do you drink vodka? Simoriah Whenever... Gohan A lot? Simoriah smiles. Simoriah Tons... Gohan Is that why you're here today? Simoriah doesn't answer. Gohan Why are you here? Simoriah snaps back. Simoriah Why are you here? They stop walking and Gohan leans against the wall. Gohan Um, I'm here today...because uh, because my coach and my father don't want me to blow my ride. See I get treated differently because uh, Coach thinks I'm a winner. So does my old man. I'm not a winner because I wanna be one... I'm a winner because I got strength and speed. Kinda like a race horse. That's about how involved I am in what's happening to me. Simoriah Yeah? That's very interesting. Now why don't you tell me why you're really in here. Gohan Forget it! LIBRARY Trinity and Shiroi and Lucas are all sitting around waiting for the Cokes. Shiroi Trinity...you wanna see a picture of a guy with elephantitus of the nuts? It's pretty tasty... Trinity No thank you... Shiroi How do you think he rides a bike? Trinity rolls her eyes and turns away in disgust. Shiroi Oh, Trinity...would you ever consider dating a guy like this? Trinity Can't you just leave me alone? Shiroi I mean if he had a great personality and was a good dancer and had a cool car...Although you'd probably Have to ride in the back seat 'cause his nuts would ride shotgun. Trinity You know what I wish I was doing? Shiroi Op, watch what you say, Lucas here is a cherry. Lucas A cherry? Trinity I wish I was on a plane to France. Lucas I'm not a cherry. Shiroi (to Lucas) When have you ever gotten laid? Lucas I've laid, lotsa times! Shiroi Name one! Lucas She lives in Canada, met her at Niagra Falls. You wouldn't know her. Shiroi Ever laid anyone around here. Lucas shushes Shiroi and points at Trinity whos back is still turned. Lucas Oh, you and Trin, did it! Trinity spins around. Trinity What are you talking about? Lucas (to Trinity) Nothin', nothin! (to Shiroi) Let's just drop it, we'll talk about it later! Trinity No! Drop what, what're you talking about? Shiroi Well, Lucas's trying to tell me that in addition to the number of girls in the Niagra Falls area, that presently you and he are, riding the hobby horse! Trinity (to Lucas) Little pig! Lucas No I'm not! I'm not! Shiroi said I was a cherry and I said I wasn't,that's it, that's all that was said! Shiroi Well then what were you motioning to Trin for? Trinity You know I don't appreciate this very much, Lucas. Lucas He is lying! Shiroi Oh you weren't motioning to Trinity? Lucas You know he's lying, right? Shiroi Were you or were you not motioning to Trinity? Lucas Yeah, but it was only...was only because I didn't want her to know that I was a virgin, okay? Shiroi just stares at him. Lucas Excuse me for being a virgin, I'm sorry... Trinity laughs. Trinity Why didn't you want me to know you were a virgin? Lucas Because it's personal business, it's my personal, private business. Shiroi Well Lucas, it doesn't sound like you're doing any business... Trinity I think it's okay for a guy to be a virgin... Shiroi looks suprised. Lucas You do? Trinity smiles and nods. LIBRARY Later. Everybody has lunches now. Trinity begins to take hers out of a small shopping bag. Shiroi what's in there? Trinity Guess, where's your lunch? Shiroi You're wearing it... Trinity You're nauseating... Shiroi grabs a Coke and tosses it over to Simoriah who catches it without even looking up.Shiroi then watches Trinity set up a sushi platter. Shiroi What's that? Trinity Sushi... Shiroi Sushi? Trinity Rice, uh, raw fish and seaweed. Shiroi You won't accept a guys tongue in your mouth and you're gonna eat that? Trinity Can I eat? Shiroi I don't know...give it a try... We now watch Gohan take a couple sandwiches out of his bag, a bag of potato chips, an apple, a banana, a bag Of cookies and a carton of milk. Simoriah opens her Coke and it fizzes over. She loudly slurps it up off the table and her fingers. Gohan sees Shiroi looking at him. Gohan What's your problem? Simoriah opens her sandwich and and tosses the meat up. It lands on the sculpture above. She opens some pixie stix and pours the sugar on the sandwich and then puts Cap'n Crunch on top of that. She crushes the sandwich together and loudly eats it. Shiroi goes over and sits by Lucas, Shiroi takes Lucas's bag lunch. Shiroi What're we having? Lucas Uh, it's your standard, regular lunch I guess... Shiroi reaches in the bag and pulls out a thermos. He sets it on the table and points at it. Shiroi Milk? Lucas Soup. Shiroi goes in again and pulls out a juice box. Lucas reaches toward the bag and Shiroi slaps his hand. Lucas That's apple juice... Shiroi I can read! PB & J with the crusts cut off...Well Lucas this is a very nutrisious lunch all the food groups are represented. Did your mom marry Mr. Rogers? Lucas No. Mr. Shiroison. Shiroi Ahhh.... Gohan and Trinity smile at each other Shiroi stands. Shiroi Here's my impression of life at big Luke's house... (in a loud and friendly voice) Son! (in a kiddie voice) Yeah Dad? (loud) How's your day, pal? (kiddie) Great Dad, how's yours? (loud) Super, say son, how'd you like to go fishing this weekend? (kiddie) Great Dad, but I've got homework to do! (loud) That's alright son, you can do it, on the boat! (kiddie) Geee!!! (loud) Dear, isn't our son swell? (quiet and motherly) Yes Dear, isn't life swell? Shiroi mimes mother kissing father and then father kissing mother and then father punching mother in the face. Suddenly it's not so funny anymore. Gohan Alright, what about your family? Shiroi Oh, mine? Gohan That's real easy! Shiroi stands again and points forward. Shiroi (as his father) Stupid, worthless, no good, God damned, freeloading, son of a bitch, retarded, bigmouth, know it all, asshole, jerk! (as his mother) You forgot ugly, lazy and disrespectful. Shiroi slams his hand back to slap his invisable mother. Shiroi (as his father) Shut up bitch! Go fix me a turkey pot pie! (as himself) what about you Dad? (as his father) Fuck you! (as himself) No, Dad, what about you? (as his father) Fuck you! (as himself--yelling) No, Dad, what about you? (as his father--yelling) Fuck you! he reaches out and pretend he's his father hitting him. Lucas is that for real? Shiroi (to Lucas) You wanna come over sometime? Gohan That's bullshit. It's all part of your image, I don't believe a word of it. Shiroi actually looks hurt. Shiroi You don't believe me? Gohan No... Shiroi No? Gohan Did I stutter? Shiroi comes over to Gohan and rolls up his right sleeve to reveal a circular shaped burn. Shiroi Do you believe this? Huh? It's about the size of a cigar...Do I stutter? You see, this is what you get in my house when you spill paint in the garage. Shiroi begins to walk away. Shiroi See I don't think that I need to sit here with you fuckin' dildos anymore! Shiroi walks over to a map table and throws all the maps on the floor. He climbs up on top of the table and then up to the second floor balcony. Trinity (to Gohan) You shouldn't have said that! Gohan How would I know, I mean he lies about everything anyway! Pheonix'S OFFICE Pheonix puts an orange in his mouth and then attempts to pour coffee out of his thermos. The top comes off and the coffee goes all over his desk. Pheonix Oh, shit! HALLWAY Pheonix walks into the hallway, talking to himself. Pheonix Coffee...looks like they scrape it off the bottom of the Mississippi river. Everything's polluted, everything's polluted...the coffee. Shiroi comes out of the library doors followed by everyone else.Shiroi and Trinity are walking next to each other.Lucas and Gohan are walking next to each other and at the end of the line, Simoriah is following. Trinity (to Shiroi) How do you know where Pheonix went? Shiroi I don't... Trinity Well then, how do you know when he'll be back? Shiroi I don't...being bad feels pretty good, huh? Lucas (to Gohan) What's the point in going to Shiroi's locker? Gohan Beats me... Lucas This is so stupid...Why do you think,why are we risking getting caught? Gohan I dunno... Lucas So then what are we doing? Gohan You ask me one more question and I'm beating the shit out of you! Lucas Sorry... Shiroi opens his locker. Gohan Slob! Shiroi My maid's on vacation. Shiroi pulls out a bag of marijuana. Lucas Drugs... Gohan Screw that Shiroi...put it back! Shiroi walks away. Lucas Drugs...the boy had marijuana. Trinity walks after Shiroi. Lucas That was marijuana! Gohan Shut up! Gohan follows the other two. Lucas looks at Simoriah who is standing there with her mouth open. Lucas Do you approve of this? Lucas turns and leaves. Simoriah steals the lock off of Shiroi's locker. We see the crowd walking down the hall. Shiroi We'll cross through the lab, and then we'll double back. Gohan You better be right, if Pheonix cuts us off it's your fault, asshole! Lucas (to Trinity) What'd he say? Where're we going? They see Pheonix down one of the halls. We have various sequences of them running around and seeing Pheonix until they stop. Shiroi Wait! Wait, hold it! Hold it! We have to go through the cafeteria! Gohan No, the activities hall. Shiroi Hey man, you don't know what you're talking about! Gohan No you don't know what you're talking about! Simoriah squeaks. Gohan Now we're through listening to you, we're going this way. They all go Gohan's way and run into a hall closed by an iron gate. Gohan Shit! Shiroi Great idea Jagoff! Gohan Fuck you! Trinity (to Gohan) Fuck you! Why didn't you listen to Shiroi? Lucas We're dead! Shiroi No, just me! Lucas What do you mean? Shiroi Get back to the library, keep your unit on this! Shiroi puts his bag of marijuana into Lucas's underwear. Shiroi runs away singing loudly. ìI wanna be an airborne ranger...î We see Pheonix hear Shiroi. The rest of them run. Pheonix That son of a bitch! We see Pheonix looking for Shiroi until he finds him in the gym. Shiroi is going up for a basket. Shiroi Three...two...one! He dunks the ball. Pheonix enters. Pheonix Shiroi! Shiroi! Shiroi! What is this? What are you doing here, what is this? Shiroi Oh, hi! Pheonix Out! That's it Shiroi! Out, it's over! Shiroi Don't you wanna hear my excuse? Pheonix Out! Shiroi I'm thinking of trying out for a scholarship. Pheonix Gimmie the ball, Shiroi. Shiroi fakes the ball at Pheonix. He then sets the ball down and rolls it at Pheonix who kicks it back at him. They leave. LIBRARY The rest of the kids are all sitting back in their seats when Shiroi and Pheonix enter. Pheonix pushes Shiroi. Pheonix Get your stuff, let's go! (to everyone) Mr. Wiseguy here has taken it upon himself to go to the gymnasium. I'm sorry to inform you, you're going to be without his services for the rest of the day. Shiroi (to Pheonix) B-O-O H-O-O! Pheonix Everything's a big joke, huh Shiroi? The false alarm you pulled, Friday, false alarms are really funny, aren't they...What if your home, what if your family... (a beat) ...what if your dope was on fire? Shiroi Impossible, sir...It's in Walenchk's underwear... Gohan laughs. Pheonix (to Gohan) You think he's funny? You think this is cute? You think he's bitchin', is that it? Lemme tell you something. Look at him, he's a bum. (to everybody) You wanna see something funny? You go visit Shiroi in five years! You'll see how God damned funny he is! (to Shiroi) What's the matter, Shiroi? You gonna cry? Let's go... Pheonix grabs Shiroi's shoulder. Shiroi Hey keep your fuckin' hands off me! I expect better manners from you, Dick! Shiroi takes his sunglasses out of his pocket and lays them in front of Gohan. Shiroi For better hallway vision! Shiroi leaves but not before pushing stuff over on the way. CLOSET Pheonix has put Shiroi in a closet and is in there talking to him. Pheonix That's the last time, Shiroi. That's the last time you ever make me look bad in front of those kids, do you hear me? I make ,000 dollars a year and I have a home and I'm not about to throw it away on some punk like you...But someday, man, someday. When you're outta here and you've forgotten all about this place... And they've forgotten all about you and you're wrapped up in your own pathetic life...I'm gonna be there. That's right. And I'm gonna kick the living shit out of you, man, I'm gonna knock your dick in the dirt! Shiroi Are you threatening me? Pheonix What're you gonna do about it? You think anybody's gonna believe you? You think anybody's gonna take your word over mine? I'm a man of respect around here. They love me around here, I'm a swell guy...you're a lying sack of shit! And everybody knows it. Oh, you're a real tough guy...come on, come on...get on your feet, pal! Let's find out how tough you are! I wanna know right now, how tough you are! Come on! I'll give you the first punch, let's go! Come on, right here, just take the first shot! Please, I'm begging you, take a shot! Come on, just take one shot, that's all I need, just one swing... Shiroi just sits there staring at Pheonix. Pheonix fakes a punch and Shiroi flinches. Pheonix That's what I though...you're a gutless turd! Pheonix leaves and locks the closet door after him. Shiroi climbs into a hatch in the ceiling and disappears. HEATING DUCT Shiroi is slowly crawling through a heating duct. Shiroi (to himself) A naked blond walks into a bar, with a poodle under one arm and a two foot salami under the other. She lays the poodle on the table. Bar-tender says: "I suppose you won't be needing a drink." The naked lady says... The ceiling under Shiroi gives and he falls through. Shiroi (screaming) Oh shit!!!! FACILTY BATHROOM We see the door to the bathroom. We hear Pheonix inside. Pheonix (OS) Jesus Christ, allmighty! LIBRARY Shiroi walks down the stairs. Shiroi I forgot my pencil... We hear Pheonix in the hall. Pheonix (OS) God damnit! What in God's name is going on in here? Pheonix enters. Pheonix What was that ruckus? Gohan Uh, what ruckus? Pheonix I was just in my office and I heard a ruckus! Lucas Could you describe the ruckus, sir? Pheonix Watch your tongue young man, watch it! We see Shiroi under the table by Trinity's legs. He sits up and bangs his head on the table. He groans. Above the table, Gohan and Trinity try to take credit for the noise by making more noise. Pheonix What is that? What, what is that,what is that noise? Under the table, Shiroi looks between Trinity's legs and can see her panties. He puts his head between Trinity's legs. Gohan What noise? Trinity Really, sir, there wasn't any noise... Trinity squeels. She squeezes Shiroi's head between her knees. Everyone starts faking a coughing fit. Trinity (flustered) That noise? Was that the noise you were talking about? Pheonix No, it wasn't. That was not the noise I was talking about. Now, I may not have caught you in the act this time, but you can bet I will. Simoriah laughs at Pheonix. Pheonix You make book on that missy! (to Trinity) And you! I will not be made a fool of! He turns and walks away. We see that he still has the toilet seat cover stuck to his pants. Pheonix leaves. Everyone laughs except Trinity who lets Shiroi out to a barage of slaps. Shiroi It was an accident! Trinity You're an asshole! Shiroi So sue me... Shiroi gets up and walks over to Lucas. Shiroi So, Ahab...Kybo Mein Doobage... Lucas gives Shiroi his bag of marajuana. Shiroi turns and walks away. Gohan Yo waistoid...you're not gonna blaze up in here! Trinity gets up and goes after him. Then Lucas. Gohan Shit... Gohan goes. STAIRS We see Pheonix go down the stairs. LIBRARY Lucas, Shiroi and Trinity are sitting in a circle and laughing hysterically.Shiroi lights Trinity up and she coughs the smoke out.Lucas laughs at her. He exhales and tries to eat the smoke. He talks in a really weird voice. Lucas Chicks, cannot hold der smoke! That's what it is! Trinity Do you know how popular I am? I'm so popular, everybody loves me so much, at this school... Shiroi Poor baby. Lucas waves Trinity over to him and he falls over.We see Gohan emerge from a really smokey room. He inhales another puff and then starts dancing to everybody's applause. He goes back in the room he was in. He screams and it shatters the glass in the door. BASEMENT Pheonix is glancing through the confidential files in the school basement. Pheonix (to himself) Mister, oh mister Tearney...a history of slight mental illness? Wooh, no wonder he's so fucked up! Kuro enters. Kuro Afternoon, Dick... Pheonix Hey Kuro, how you doin'? Kuro Good... Pheonix Good, what's up? Kuro Not much, what's happening, what are you doing in the basement files? Pheonix Oh, nothin' nothin' here. I'm just doin' a little homework here... Kuro Homework, huh? Pheonix Yeah... Kuro, laughing, comes over and looks at the files that Pheonix was looking at. Kuro Confidential files...hmmm? Pheonix Look, Kuro...this is a highly sensitive area and I, I tell you something...certain people would be very very embarrassed. I would really appreciate it if if if if this would be something that, that you and I could keep between us... Kuro What're you gonna do for me, man? Pheonix Well, well what would you like? Kuro Got fifty bucks? Pheonix What? Kuro Fifty bucks... LIBRARY We see Gohan and Lucas laughing. Simoriah is hanging out over by the statue in the back of the library. Space Balls SPACEBALLS (rolls down screen much like in star wars) Once upon a time warp. . . . In a galaxy very, very, very, very, far away, there lived a ruthless race of beings known as . . . SPACEBALL. Chapter Eleven The evil leaders of Planet SPACEBALL, having foolishly squandered their precious atmosphere, have devised a secret plan to take every breath of air away from their peace-loving neighbor, Planet Dridia. Today is Princess Katherin's wedding day. Unbeknownst to the princess, but knownst to us, danger lurks in the stars above. . . If you can read this, you don't need glasses. EXT. SPACEBALL 1 - SPACE SPACEBALL 1 passes by at a slow speed. It takes the ship about two minutes to pass. At the end of the ship is a bumper sticker that says, "WE BRAKE FOR NOBODY." INT. SPACEBALL 1 - SPACE MASHIN is standing in the front of the ship. AALUCAS Mashin. MASHIN What is it, Sergeant AALUCAS? AALUCAS You told me to let you know the moment Planet Dridia was in sight, sir. MASHIN So. AALUCAS Planet Dridia is in sight, sir. MASHIN You're really a Spaceball. You know that, don't you? AALUCAS Thanks, sir. MASHIN Have you notified Lord SHINI? AALUCAS Yes, sir. I took the liberty. He's on his way. VOICE (O.S.) Make way for Shinigami. MASHIN All rise in the presence of Shinigami. A door opens revealing Shinigami, he resembles Darth Vader, walking toward camera. He stops in front of camera, and is having trouble breathing with the mask down. SHINI (pulls mask up) I can't breathe in this thing. MASHIN We're approaching Planet Dridia, sir. SHINI Good. I'll call Spaceball City, and notify Lex the Controller immediately. AALUCAS I already called her, sir. She knows everything. SHINI What? You went over my command? AALUCAS Well, not exactly over it, sir. More on the side. I'll always call you first. It'll never happen again. Never, ever! SHINI (puts on Schwartz ring) AALUCAS Oh shit! No, no, no, no, no, please, no, no, please, no, not that. (covers his neck) SHINI (pulls mask down) Yes. That. (shoots a green ray at AALUCAS's crouch) AALUCAS Whaoooooooo! Owwwwwwwwww! GUARDS take him away. SHINI MASHIN. MASHIN (covers his crouch) Sir? SHINI I don't see Planet Dridia. Where is it? MASHIN We don't have visual contact yet, sir, but we have it on the radar screen. Shall I punch it up for you? SHINI Nah, never mind. I'll do it myself. SHINI and MASHIN walk to the radar screen. SHINI stops in front of the coffee maker. MASHIN Very good, sir. SHINI What's the matter with this thing? What's all that churning and bubbling? You call that a radar screen. MASHIN No, sir. We call it, "Mr. Coffee." (points at label, "Mr. Coffee") Care for some? SHINI Yes! I always have coffee when I watch radar. You know that. MASHIN Of course I do, sir. SHINI Everybody knows that. EVERYBODY (covers their crouch) Of course we do, sir. SHINI (takes coffee) Now that I have my coffee, I'm ready to watch radar. Where is it? MASHIN (points to label "Mr. Radar") Right here, sir. SHINI Switch to teleview. RADAR changes to a picture of Planet Dridia. SHINI There it is, Planet Dridia, and underneath the air shield, ten thousand years of fresh air. We must get through that air shield. MASHIN We will, sir. Once we kidnap the princess, we will force her father, King General, to give us the combination to the air shield. Thereby destroying Planet Dridia and saving Planet Spaceballs. SHINI Everybody got that. Good! When will the princess be married? MASHIN Within the hour, sir. SHINI Well, I hope it's a long ceremony, 'cause it's gonna be a short honeymoon. (takes a drink of coffee) Mmmmmmm, mmmmmm, mmmmmm. MASHIN hits his back. SHINI spits out coffee and his mask falls down. SHINI (mask down) Hot! Too hot! PLANET DRIDIA - EXT. CHAPLE - DAY Sign reads, "Today, the Royal Wedding of Princess Katherin to Prince Jason. Tomorrow, Bingo." INT. CHAPLE - DAY The USHER is fixing something on KING GENERAL'S outfit. PRINCESS Katherin is pacing. GENERAL Oh, if only your mother were alive to see this day. All right, is everyone ready? USHER Yes, your majesty. KITTY No! Where's my droid of honor? USHER Oh dear, yes. Where's Aquene? Aquene? Oh, thank god. Where've you been? AQUENE Here I am. I'm sorry. I had to make a pit stop. I'm so excited, I couldn't hold my oil. USHER All right, people. It's magic time. GENERAL All right, everyone, starting on the left foot. (puts his right foot out) KITTY Sir that's your right foot. GENERAL It's too late. Keep going. They start walking down the aisle. The organ is playing "Here Comes the Bride." KITTY (stops) Sir. Organ player stops. KITTY Must I go through with this. GENERAL I'm sorry, my dear, you have to. They start walking again. The organ starts up again. KITTY (stops) But, dir. Organ stops again. KITTY I don't love him. GENERAL I'm sorry, KITTY, he's the last prince left in the galaxy. JASON yawns. They reach the altar. MINISTER Dearly beloved, we are gathered here on this most joyous occasion, to witness Princess Katherin, daughter of King General.... KITTY starts running toward the door, while Aquene is dragging behind. MINISTER ....going right past the alter, heading down the ramp, and out the door. GENERAL Stop her! Someone, stop her! Stop her! EXT. CHAPEL - DAY KITTY and AQUENE come out of the chapel. They head for the getaway car. AQUENE Hey wait! You forgot to get married. Will you stop? They get to the car. KITTY opens the door. AQUENE What are you doing? KITTY (starts to get in the getaway car) No questions, Aquene. Get in. Car starts up, and the ramp starts to tilt upward. Everyone else comes out of the chapel. GENERAL What is she doing? Where is she going? The car takes off toward space. JASON Come baaaaack! (yawns while saying back) INT. EAGLE 5 - SPACE The Eagle 5 is a Winnebago with wings. FLUX is eating ice cream and dancing to music. FLUX is a GELF HB. He's half man, half white tiger. LUCAS is at the wheel, asleep. LUCAS is drunk. He is a normal human. "AUTOMATIC PILOT" is flashing. The phone starts ringing. LUCAS (wakes up) Flux. Flux. Flux! FLUX Huh? LUCAS (O.S) Flux! FLUX Always when I'm eating. FLUX puts down the ice cream, and picks up some cat treats. LUCAS Flux! FLUX What can I do you for, boss? LUCAS Where ya been? FLUX Oh, just grabbin' myself a snack. You want some? (offers a cat treat to Lucas ) LUCAS No! FLUX C'mon. LUCAS Answer that for me. Will ya? FLUX Ah, sure. (hits Lucas with his tail) LUCAS Will you watch that thing? FLUX Oh, sorry. I'll just put it on audio. That way they won't see ya. (hits the video switch) Yello. CARESS appears on the screen. Caress is a female version of Flux. CARESS Hello, Lucas. FLUX Sorry, wrong switch. LUCAS Hello, Caress, what do you want? CARESS No, no, no, no, no. It's not what I want. It's what he wants. FLUX & LUCAS Steven Dion. DION is human. DION Well, if it isn't Lucas, and his side kick, Flex. FLUX That's Flux. DION Flux, Flex, whatever. Where's my money? LUCAS Don't worry, Dion. You'll have it by next week. DION No, no. I gotta have it by tomorrow. LUCAS A hundred thousand spacebucks, by tomorrow? DION A hundred thousand? Ha, ha, ha. No way. You forgot late charges, which brings it up to, um, one million spacebucks. LUCAS A million? That's unfair. DION Unfair to pay all, but enough to pay eee, but you gonna pay it, or else. FLUX Or else what? DION Tell 'em, Caress. CARESS Or else Dion is gonna send out for you. CARESS & DION (laughs) CARESS takes a lick off of Dion. CARESS Mmmm. You're delicious. DION Chow, boys. INT. KITTY'S CAR – SPACE - KITTY is listening to music in headphones. AQUENE Can we talk? Okay, we all know Prince Jason is pilled, but you could've married him for your father's sake, and have a headache for the next 25 years. Will you turn that thing off. KITTY What? (takes off the headphones) What is it? AQUENE I was saying, do realize what you've done. KITTY Yes, and I'm glad. Glad, glad, glad, glad, glad. (puts the headphones back on) AQUENE I wonder if she's glad. SPACEBALL CITY - INT. Lex the Controller’s OFFICE - NIGHT LEX is talking to someone on the phone. LEX Don't be ridiculous. As president of Planet Spaceball, I can assure both you and your viewers, that there is absolutely no air shortage whatsoever. Yes, of course, I've heard the same rumor myself. Thanks for calling, and not reversing the charges. Bye. (hangs up phone) Shithead. She opens a desk drawer. It has a lot of cans in it. She takes one and opens it. The can says, "Perrier Salt-Free Air." He starts breathing the air. COMMANDERETTE (appears on the wall) Lex the Controller. LEX (throws can behind her and closes the drawer) Yes. COMMANDERETTE This is Central Control, Spaceball Commanderette Zarican speaking, mam. LEX Yes, what is it Commanderette? COMMANDERETTE Lord Shinigami has informed us that Princess Katherin is in sight, and Spaceball 1 is closing in on her. LEX Good, good. COMMANDERETTE We have both ships coming up on the teledar, sir, if you wish to observe. LEX I'll be down immediately. COMMANDERETTE Shall I have Snotty beam you down? LEX I don't know about that beaming stuff. Is it safe? COMMANDERETTE Oh yes, sir. Snotty beamed me twice last night. It was wonderful. LEX All right, I take a shot at it. What the hell, it works on Star Trek. (steps into the beaming pod) COMMANDERETTE Snotty, beam her down. SNOTTY (O.S.) Yes, sir. Immediately, sir. LEX beams out of her office. INT. CENTRAL CONTROL - NIGHT LEX reappears. Her head is on backwards. VOICE(O.S.) Gees feesetes, what's happened to her head? COMMANDERETTE It's on backwards. LEX This is terrible. Do something. SNOTTY I'm sorry, sir. There must have been a microconverter malfunction. LEX (lifts up the tail on her suit) Why didn't somebody tell me my ass was so big. Everyone else looks and snickers. SNOTTY Hold on, sir. We'll try and reverse the beam. Could be the interlocking system. LEX scratches her leg. SNOTTY (flipping switches) Lock 1, Lock 2, Lock 3, Lock 1. LEX beams out. INT. PRESIDENT LEX'S OFFICE - NIGHT LEX reappears, back to normal. COMMANDERETTE appears on the wall. COMMANDERETTE Are you all right, Mrs. Controller. LEX Fine, fine, no thanks to you. COMMANDERETTE We'll beam you back, mam. LEX Forget it. Forget it. No more beaming. This time I'm gonna walk. (walks through the door) INT. CENTRAL CONTROL - NIGHT COMMANDERETTE Lex the Controller, Salute. ALL (salute) Hail Lex! LEX Where's the Princess? COMMANDERETTE Right there, mam. On the left side of the screen of the screen, approaching Spaceball 1, at fifteen hundred light leagues per minute. LEX Good, good. She almost in our grasp. Tell Shinigami he must take the Princess alive. EXT. SPACEBALL 1 - SPACE In front of Spaceball 1 is KITTY's car. INT. SPACEBALL 1 - SPACE MASHIN and SHINI are standing in the front. MASHIN Princess Katherin's spaceship within range, sir. SHINI (mask down) Good. Fire a warning shot across her nose. Guns start firing. INT. KITTY'S CAR - SPACE KITTY takes off the headphones. The car is shaking. KITTY What's going on? AQUENE It either the 4th of July, or someone trying to kill us. KITTY Hey! I don't have to put up with this. I'm rich. (picks up phone) AQUENE What’re you doing? KITTY I'm calling my father. 1-800-DRIDIA. (dials the phone) INT. SPACEBALL 1 - SPACE SHINI (lifts up mask) Careful, you idiot. I said across her nose, not blow up it. GUNNER (lifts up eye guard) Sorry, sir. (he is cross-eyed) Doing my best. SHINI Who made that man a gunner? MAJOR I did, sir. He's my cousin. (he is cross-eyed, too) SHINI Who is he? MASHIN He's an Asshole, sir. SHINI I know that. What's his name? MASHIN That is his name, sir. Asshole, Major Asshole. SHINI And his cousin? MASHIN He's an Asshole, too, sir. Gunner's-mate, 1st Class, Philip Asshole. SHINI How many Assholes we got on this ship, anyhow? All, but few, stand up. ALL Yo! SHINI I knew it. I'm surrounded by Assholes. (pulls down mask) Keep firing, Assholes. INT. KITTY'S CAR - CAR KITTY is on the phone. KITTY Hurry, sir, hurry. They're laser blasts all around us. I'm so scared. EXT. EAGLE 5 - SPACE GENERAL'S VOICE King General to Lucas . King General to Lucas . Are you there? INT. EAGLE 5 – SPACE - LUCAS and FLUX are talking to GENERAL on the phone. GENERAL Lucas , you've got to help me. Please, save my daughter. She's being attacked by Spaceballs. LUCAS Spaceballs? Forget it. Too dangerous. Besides, I'm already numero uno on Shinigami's hit list. FLUX Look, your highness, it's not that we're afraid. Far from it. It's just we got this thing about them. It's not us. GENERAL Please, you must. You're the only ones who can save her. I'll give anything. Did you her me? Anything. FLUX Anything? GENERAL Yes! Anything! LUCAS Okay, we'll do it for a million. GENERAL A million? FLUX Whoa, you startin' to fade here. We're losing picture, your highness. GENERAL All right, all right, I'll pay it. Only find her, save her. LUCAS All right, King, you just made a deal. FLUX One princess for one million spacebucks. LUCAS What's she drivin'? GENERAL A brand new, white Mercedes, 2001 SEL Limited Edition. Moon roof, all leather interior. I got it at a very good price. I paid cash. My cousin, Prince Murray, has a dealership in the valley. He was very nice to me. LUCAS We get the idea. Where was she last seen. GENERAL She was just passing Jupiter 2. LUCAS We'll find her. GENERAL Please, bring her back safely. And, if it's all possible, try to save the car. (disappears off T.V.) FLUX One million spacebucks. We'll be able to pay off Steven Dion. LUCAS Gimmie paw. INT. KITTY'S CAR – SPACE - Spaceball 1 fires their magnetic beam at KITTY's car. KITTY What's happening? What's that glow? We're not moving. AQUENE Oh, we're moving all right, backwards. INT. EAGLE 5 - SPACE LUCAS Look, there's our princess. She's got company. FLUX Oh, no, Spaceballs. And they've already got her in their magnetic beam. Oh, well, we're too late. What a shame. I'll just throw her in reverse, and we'll get outta here. (reaches for the reverse switch) LUCAS (stops him) Flux. No. Bad. FLUX Oh, what are we doing risking our lives for a runaway princess? I know we need the money... LUCAS Listen. We're not just doing this for money. We're doing it for a shit load of money! FLUX Oh, you're right, and when you're right, you're right, and you, you're always right. Okay, we save her, but how? The minute we move in there, they'll spot us on their radar. LUCAS Uh-uh. FLUX Uh-huh. LUCAS Uh-uh. FLUX Uh-huh. LUCAS Uh-uh, not if we jam it. FLUX Ah, ha! You're right. LUCAS Down scope. FLUX Down scope. The scope comes down. FLUX looks through the scope and focuses on the radar. FLUX Radar, about to be jammed. Jam comes flying and crashes the radar. INT. SPACEBALL 1 – SPACE - The radar is screwing up. The RADAR TECHNICIAN is trying to figure out the problem. RADAR TECH. (he is making the sound effects) Shit. (makes more sound effects and dials phone) Sir? (in microphone) MASHIN What is it? RADAR TECH. (O.S.) (in microphone) Can I talk to for a minute, please, sir. MASHIN & SHINI (walk over to him) MASHIN Well. RADAR TECH. (in microphone) I'm having trouble with the radar, sir. MASHIN You don't need that, Private, we're right here. (hangs up microphone) Now, what is it? RADAR TECH. (in microphone voice) I'm having trouble with radar, sir. SHINI (rips out the microphone-mask up) Now, what is it? RADAR TECH. I'm having trouble with the radar, sir. SHINI What's wrong with it? RADAR TECH. I've lost the bleeps, I've the lost the sweeps, and I've lost the creeps. SHINI The what? MASHIN The what? SHINI And the what? RADAR TECH. You know. The bleeps, (makes bleeps sounds) the sweeps, (makes sweeps sounds) and the creeps. (makes creeps sounds) SHINI (to MASHIN) That's not all he's lost. RADAR TECH. Sir. The radar, sir. It appears to be.... Jam starts dripping down the screen. RADAR TECH. ....jammed. SHINI Jammed? (takes a taste of the jam) Raspberry. There's only one man who would dare give me the raspberry. (pulls down mask) Lucas! CAMERA hits SHINI. SHINI falls backwards. INT. KITTY'S CAR – SPACE - Eagle 5 comes in on top of KITTY's car. There's a thump on the car. KITTY What was that? FLUX knocks on the door. AQUENE Nevermind that. What was that? The roof opens revealing FLUX smiling. KITTY & AQUENE Ah. FLUX Hi. KITTY Who are you? FLUX Flux. KITTY Flux? What are you? FLUX I'm a GELF HB. Half-man, half-tiger. KITTY What do you want? FLUX Your father hired Captain Lucas and me to save ya. C'mon , we gotta hop up this ladder and get outta here. AQUENE Go, hurry, quick, darling, follow the cat. FLUX GELF HB. I'm a GELF HB. KITTY Wait. What about my matched luggage? FLUX starts growling. EXT. EAGLE 5 - LADDER – SPACE - KITTY is climbing up, followed by AQUENE, then FLUX with a load of luggage. AQUENE Hey. Stop looking up my can. FLUX Sorry. INT. EAGLE 5 – SPACE - LUCAS looks back at FLUX. FLUX still has a load of luggage on him. LUCAS Checking in? What the hell is all that? FLUX (with strap in mouth) It's her royal highness's matched luggage. LUCAS(O.S.) What? FLUX (takes strap out of mouth) Her royal highness's matched luggage. LUCAS Matched luggage, huh? What does she think this is.... FLUX hits him with tail. LUCAS ....a princess cruise. FLUX Well, she wouldn't go without it. LUCAS Oh, yeah? (picks up microphone) FLUX hits him again. LUCAS (in microphone) Now hear this, as soon as we get outta hear, the first thing we do is dump the matched luggage. AQUENE What was that? KITTY (turns on intercom) Now you hear this, whoever you are, you will not touch that luggage, and furthermore, I want this pig-sty cleaned up. I will not be rescued in such filth. LUCAS (in microphone) Listen. On this ship, I don't take orders, I give 'em. This is my dream boat, sweetheart. KITTY Sweetheart? AQUENE Uh-oh. KITTY How dare you speak to me that way. You will address me in the proper manner as your royal highness. I am Princess Katherin, daughter of General, King of the Dridians. LUCAS Oh. This is all we needed. INT. SPACEBALL 1 - SPACE - KITTY's car is coming through the floor. MASHIN and SHINI come in. SHINI (mask down) Now, we will show her who is in charge of this galaxy. GUARD cocks weapon. SHINI Hold it. I'll handle this personally. GUARD Ya-ho, Lord Shinigami. SHINI (looks at him) So, Princess Katherin, you thought you could outwit the imperious forces of Planet Spaceball. Well, you were wrong. You are now our prisoner, and you will be held hostage until such time, as all of the air is transferred from your planet to ours. SHINI opens the door and looks inside. He lifts his mask up. SHINI (mask up) She's not in there. ALL drop guns and cover their crouch. VOICE (O.S.) Radar repaired, sir. We're picking up the outline of a Winnebago. SHINI Winnebago? Lucas. Lucas! SHINI bangs on the car. The door falls on him, pushing him inside. INT. EAGLE 5 - SPACE Spaceball 1 is coming on the radar. LUCAS Uh-oh. Here comes the bad year blimp. FLUX We'd better get outta here in a hurry. LUCAS Switch to secret hyperjets. FLUX Switching to secret hyperjets. LUCAS (in microphone) Buckle up back there, we're going into hyperactive. INT. SPACEBALL 1 – SPACE - SHINI and MASHIN are standing in front. EAGLE 5 is in front of them. MASHIN We're closing in on them, sir. In less than one minute, Lucas will be ours. SHINI (mask down) Good. Prepare to attack. MASHIN Prepare to attack. SHINI On the count of three. One, two.... Eagle 5 takes off into hyperactive. SHINI Wait. (lifts up mask) What happened? Where are they? MASHIN I don't know, sir. They must have hyperjets on that thing. SHINI And what have we got on this thing a quezinart. MASHIN No, sir. SHINI Well, find them catch them. MASHIN Yes, sir. (over loudspeaker) Prepare ship for light speed. SHINI No, no, no, light speed is too slow. MASHIN Light speed, too slow? SHINI Yes, we're gonna have to go right to ludicrous speed. ALL gasp. MASHIN (gasp) Ludicrous speed? Sir, we've never gone that fast before. I don't know if this ship can take it. SHINI What's the matter, Mashin, chicken? MASHIN (in high pitch) Prepare ship, (back to normal) prepare ship for ludicrous speed. Fasten all seat belts, seal all entrances and exits, close all shops in the mall, cancel the 3-ring circus, secure all animals in the zoo.... SHINI (takes the microphone) Gimme that you peddy excuse for an officer. MASHIN sits in his seat and buckles up. SHINI (in microphone) Now hear this, ludicrous speed.... MASHIN Sir, hadn't you better buckle up. SHINI Aah, buckle this. (in microphone) Ludicrous speed, Go! The ship takes off. The display lights up: Light Speed, Ridiculous Speed, and then Ludicrous Speed. SHINI is being pulled back. SHINI Whoaaa! What have I done? My brains are going into my feet. INT. EAGLE 5 – SPACE - Spaceball 1 passes over them leaving a plaid shadow. FLUX What the hell was that? LUCAS Spaceball 1. FLUX They've gone to plaid. INT. SPACEBALL 1 - SPACE SHINI We passed them. Stop this thing. MASHIN We can't stop. It's too dangerous. We have to slow down first. SHINI Bullshit. Just stop this thing. I order you. Stooooop! MASHIN pulls on emergency brake which reads, "Emergency Stop, never use." The ship stops and SHINI goes flying into a panel. MASHIN (picks SHINI up) Are you all right, sir? SHINI Fine. How've you been? MASHIN Fine, sir. SHINI Good. MASHIN It's a good thing you were wearing that helmet. SHINI Yeah. MASHIN What should we do now, sir? SHINI Well, are we stopped? MASHIN We're stopped, sir. SHINI Good. Well, why don't we take a five minute break. MASHIN Very good, sir. SHINI Smoke if you got 'em. (falls forward) INT. EAGLE 5 - SPACE LUCAS Take her out of hyperactive. FLUX Takin' her out of hyperactive. (pulls down switch) Ah, congrads, boss, we did it. They must of overshot us by a week and a half. LUCAS (laughs) Okay, let's set a course for Dridia. FLUX Settin' a course for (Eagle 5 starts shaking) Drid, ie, ie, ie. LUCAS What's that? FLUX I don't know. I don't know. We're losing power. Why? 'Cause we're outta gas. LUCAS We must've burned it up in hyperactive. FLUX I told you we should've put more that five bucks worth in. LUCAS Okay, we'll have to set her down. Prepare for emergency landing. Quick, give me a reading. FLUX (prays) How, oh Father, be in heaven. Thou will be Thy name, by kingdom come.... LUCAS Will you stop that? (in microphone) Keep your seat belts fastened back there. You okay, princess. KITTY No, you idiot. Where'd you learn how to fly. LUCAS Okay, Eagle 5, coming in. MOON OF VEGA - EXT. EAGLE 5 - DESERT - DAY Eagle 5 starts coming down on the sands of Vega. INT. EAGLE 5 - DESERT - DAY FLUX is panicing. FLUX Ahh. Left, right, I mean right. Pull up, pull up. They crash on a sand dune. KITTY gets up. AQUENE Where you going? KITTY I'm going to tell him off once and for all. AQUENE Wwwwwwwait. We'll need him to get us outta here. LUCAS Called me an idiot? I'm going back there and explain a few things to her. AQUENE Besides, he's gotta a sexy voice. He might be cute. FLUX Yeah, but, you don't know what she looks like. LUCAS I know what she looks like. If you've seen one princess, you've seen 'em all. KITTY Cute? I know these space bums. They're all alike. Fat, ugly.... LUCAS Bucked-toothed, knocked-knees.... KITTY ....bear-swilling, pigs. LUCAS ....horse-faced, space dogs. (gets up and goes to the back) FLUX Yeah, well, I normally I'd, (gets up with seat belt still on) ow, that's gonna leave a mark. KITTY Now listen you.... LUCAS You listen. On this ship, you're to refer to me as idiot not you captain. I mean, you know what I mean. KITTY And you will not call me you. You will never address me as you. You will call me your royal highness. LUCAS You are royal pain in the.... FLUX Whoa, hold it, time. LUCAS & KITTY What? FLUX May I make a small suggestion? Any minute now, Spaceballs is gonna make a major U-turn, head back this way, and make us all dead. LUCAS He's right. Let's go. KITTY Wait. My things. LUCAS Listen, you royal.... KITTY Mmmm. LUCAS ....highness. Take only what need to survive. FLUX Hisssssssssssss. DESERT – DAY - KITTY is walking down with an umbrella. AQUENE is following her with a cart. LUCAS and FLUX are following with a trunk. AQUENE Please, slow down. I'm getting sand up my gears. FLUX Gees. I hope she didn't forget anything. LUCAS All right, wait a minute, Flux, put it down. What the hell's in this thing. LUCAS opens the trunk and pulls out a huge hair dryer. LUCAS What's this? I said take only what you need to survive. KITTY It's my industrial strength hair dryer, and I can't live without it. LUCAS Okay, princess. That's it. The fairy-tale is over. Welcome to real-life. You want this hot-air machine, you carry it. (drops it in the sand) KITTY You pick that up. LUCAS You pick that up. KITTY How dare you, you insolent peasant. Nobody talks to me that way. Nobody. Nobody. (echoes) LUCAS Well, what have we got here? Will you look at her. Those flashy eyes. Those flushy cheeks. Those trembling lips. You know something princess, you are ugly when you're angry. AQUENE Uh-oh. KITTY That's it. You and your cat are f.... FLUX Please, please. Total humans, droids, if I may. It's going to be very dark soon, so I suggest we find a place to camp for the night. AQUENE Come darling. AQUENE and KITTY walk away pulling some luggage. LUCAS and FLUX walk off with the trunk. They leave the hair dryer behind. LUCAS See, it's lighter. FLUX Oh yeah. This is best. I could carry two of three of these. INT. SPACEBALL 1 – SPACE - SHINI, MASHIN, and CORPORAL are watching the radar. SHINI (mask down) Have you found them yet? CORPORAL No, Lord Shinigami. They're still not on the scanners. SHINI Well, keep looking for them. (drinks coffee through his mask) MASHIN Pardon me, sir. I have an idea. Corporal, get me the video cassette of Spaceballs-the Movie. CORPORAL Yes, sir. CORPORAL walks to a wall labeled, "Mr. Rental." The wall opens. He looks through the selections. SHINI Mashin, may I speak with you, please? MASHIN Yes, sir. SHINI (lifts up mask) How could there be a cassette of Spaceballs-the Movie. We're still in the middle of making it. MASHIN That's true, sir, but there's been a new breakthrough in home-video marketing. SHINI There has? MASHIN Yes. Instant cassettes. They're out in stores before the movie is finished. SHINI Naaaaa. CORPORAL Here it is, sir. Spaceballs. MASHIN Good work, Corporal. Punch it up. CORPORAL starts the tape. It starts on the FBI Warning. MASHIN Started much too early. Prepare to fast-forward. CORPORAL Preparing to fast-forward. MASHIN Fast-forward. CORPORAL Fast-forwarding, sir. Starts fast-forwarding through the ludicrous speed scene. SHINI is thrown into the panel at a high-speed. SHINI Nnnnno. Go past this, past this part. In fact, never play this again. MASHIN Try here. Stop. The movie stops at the exact same thing that is actually happening now. SHINI looks at the camera, then he turns back to the monitor. MASHIN looks at the camera when SHINI looks back at the monitor, then he looks back at the monitor. SHINI looks at the camera when MASHIN looks back at the monitor. When SHINI turns back, he waves his hand. He turns back to the camera. SHINI What the hell am I looking at? When does this happen in the movie? MASHIN Now. You're looking at now, sir. Everything that happens now, is happening now. SHINI What happened to then? MASHIN We passed then? SHINI When? MASHIN Just now. We're at now, now. SHINI Go back to then. MASHIN When? SHINI Now. MASHIN Now? SHINI Now. MASHIN I can't. SHINI Why? MASHIN We missed it. SHINI When? MASHIN Just now. SHINI When will then be now? CORPORAL rewinds the tape. He stops at the point when LUCAS , FLUX, KITTY, and AQUENE are walking through the desert. MASHIN Soon. SHINI How soon? CORPORAL Sir. SHINI What? CORPORAL We've identified their location. SHINI Where? CORPORAL It's the Moon of Vega. MASHIN Good work. Set a course, and prepare for our arrival. SHINI When? CORPORAL Nineteen-hundred hours, sir. MASHIN By high-noon, tomorrow, they will be our prisoners. SHINI Hoooooo. (mask falls down) DESERT – NIGHT - AQUENE is sleeping with a light going that says, "Sleep Mode." KITTY is cold and trying to keep warm. LUCAS offers her his coat. KITTY No thank you. I'm perfectly all right. LUCAS Take it. It's freezing (puts the jacket on her) KITTY If you insist. (smells the alcohol on the coat) Won't you be cold? LUCAS Na, cold never bothers me. KITTY I can't seem to find Dridia. LUCAS It's right there. KITTY Where? LUCAS Right there. (points to a blue star) It's that bright, blue one, right there. See? KITTY Oh, yeah. But it's so far away. LUCAS Don't worry. I'll get ya there. KITTY Which one's yours? LUCAS Who knows. KITTY You don't know where your from? LUCAS Not really. I was found on the doorstep of a monastery. KITTY Monastery? Where? LUCAS Somewhere in the Ford Galaxy. KITTY Well, didn't the monks tell you who your parents? LUCAS They couldn't. They took a vow of silence. All I got was this. He pulls a medallion out from his shirt. It has some type of writing. LUCAS It was around my neck. KITTY What is it? LUCAS I don't know. I've taken it to every wise man in the universe. No one can tell me what it means. KITTY It's beautiful. You know I.... It's beautiful. LUCAS puts the medallion back in his shirt. LUCAS So, how come you ran away from your wedding? KITTY Well, if you must know, I wasn't in love with the groom. LUCAS Why were you gonna marry him? KITTY Because, I'm a princess, and I have to marry a prince. LUCAS Ah, and he doesn't do it for you, huh? KITTY No, he doesn't do it for me. I really must go back. I shouldn't have run away. I realize, now, that love is one luxury a princess cannot afford. LUCAS You're probably right. KITTY I know, now, that I must live without love. LUCAS I guess so. KITTY Besides, love isn't that important. LUCAS Naaa, never was. KITTY I could be perfectly happy the rest of my life without love. (looks at him) LUCAS Sure you could. KITTY Without physical contact. LUCAS Yeah. KITTY Without being held. (moves closer to him) LUCAS Yeah. (moves in closer) KITTY Or kissed. KITTY and LUCAS are about to kiss when an alarm starts going off. AQUENE'S Virgin Alarm is going off. FLUX (wakes up) Abandon ship. Abandon ship. Women and cats first. AQUENE walks over to KITTY and LUCAS . AQUENE We'll have none of that, mister. (to KITTY) How far did he get? Where'd he touch? Where'd he touch? KITTY Nothing happened. LUCAS What the hell was that noise? AQUENE That was my Virgin Alarm. It's programmed to go off before you do. You get back to bed, miss. And as for you, sex-fiend.... LUCAS All right. All right. Let's all get some sleep. We gotta get moving before dawn. FLUX Why so early? LUCAS Because, we're in the middle of the desert, and we're not gonna get far once that blazing sun gets overhead. DISSOLVE TO: A blazing sun. FLUX'S VOICE Nice dissolve. DESERT – MORNING - LUCAS is walking, followed by FLUX, AQUENE, then KITTY. They are all getting tired. LUCAS Water, water. FLUX Water. AQUENE Oil, oil. KITTY Room service, room service. DISSOLVE TO: A blazing sun. DESERT – DAY - LUCAS is carrying KITTY. FLUX is carrying AQUENE. KITTY and AQUENE are asleep. FLUX and LUCAS are really tired. FLUX I can't, I can't, I can't go, I can't go any further. I can't go any further. LUCAS Just one more dune to go. FLUX Nope. you said that three dunes ago. I got no more left. Oh, waiter, check please. (falls down) LUCAS Must go on. Must go on. Must go on. Who am I kidding. (drops KITTY then falls down) The DINKS walk on the screen. They are short people with gold-brownish skin. DINKS (sing to the tune of “Hi Ho”) Dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink.... DINKS see LUCAS, KITTY, FLUX, and AQUENE lying on the ground. They go to their aid. HEAD DINK Dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink. DINKS split up and start giving water and oil to KITTY, LUCAS, FLUX, and AQUENE. DINK (with Flux) Dink, dink, dink, dink, dink. Dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink. FLUX starts purring. DINK Dink, dink, dink, dink. FLUX Oh, thanks little guy. (starts lapping the water) LUCAS Thank you. DINKS Dink, dink, dink. LUCAS Did I miss something? When did we get to Disneyland? LUCAS, KITTY, AQUENE, and FLUX are being led by the DINKS to somewhere. DINKS (singing same tune) Dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink. DESERT - SHINI'S CRUISER - DAY - SHINI and MASHIN are in a cruiser. SHINI is standing up, looking though binoculars. He has different type of uniform with a different type of helmet. SHINI (mask on) I don't see them, MASHIN. MASHIN I've sent the troops on up to Vector 78, sir. SHINI Good. Let's get moving. MASHIN Yes, sir. Driver, prepare to move out. SHINI What are you preparing. You're always preparing. Just go! MASHIN Just go. DRIVER Yes, sir. MASHIN Sir, shouldn't you sit down. The cruiser takes off, and SHINI is thrown in his seat. EXT. TEMPLE – DAY - The DINKS are opening a secret door in the sand, and lead LUCAS, FLUX, KITTY, and AQUENE inside. They walk down a set of stairs. INT. TEMPLE - DAY DINKS Dink, dink, dink. Dink, dink, dink. FLUX What are they sayin'? KITTY Well, it's obvious they want us to go with them. They start walking down a tunnel with a huge statue at the end. KITTY What is this place? FLUX It looks like the Temple of Doom. AQUENE Sure ain't Temple Bethresel. LUCAS C'mon. I think we'd better follow 'em. Steam starts coming out of the ears of the statue. FLUX Ah-oh. I think we woke it up. AQUENE Goodbye, folks. (turns around and starts running to the door) Let me know how it turns out. KITTY Comeback here, Aquene. We need you. LUCAS C'mon, we gotta keep going. KITTY What's gonna happen now? LUCAS Don't ask, maybe it won't. FLUX Well, what if it does? I don't about know about you, but I'm all for leaving. I think we oughtta get outta here.... Fire comes out of the statue's eyes. LUCAS, KITTY, AQUENE, & FLUX Wow! KATHERIN'S VOICE Silence! Who dares enter the sacred and awesome presence of the everlasting know-it-all, Simoriah. LUCAS , KITTY, AQUENE, & FLUX Simoriah? The bottom of the statue opens up. A small man about 3 feet tall comes out. KATHERIN You heard of me? LUCAS Heard of ya? Who hasn't heard of Simoriah? KITTY Simoriah, the wise. AQUENE Simoriah, the all powerful. FLUX Simoriah, the magnificent. KATHERIN Please, please, don't make a fuse. I'm just plain Katherin. LUCAS But you're the one.... KATHERIN Yes. I am the keeper of a greater magic. A power known throughout the universe, known as.... FLUX The force? KATHERIN No. The Schwartz. LUCAS , KITTY, AQUENE, & FLUX The Schwartz? KATHERIN Yes. The Schwartz. She holds her Schwartz ring. Hers is different than the ring SHINI has. LUCAS But, Katherin, what is this place? What is that you do here? KATHERIN Merchandising. FLUX Merchandising? What's that? KATHERIN Merchandising. Come. I'll show. Open up this door. DINKS open a slab in the wall. In it, is a whole bunch of "Spaceballs - The Movie" merchandise. KATHERIN Ha, ha, ha, come. Walk this way. Take a look. We put the pictures name on everything. Merchandising. Merchandising. Where the real money from the movie is made. Spaceballs-the T-shirt, Spaceballs-the Coloring Book, Spaceballs-the Lunch box, Spaceballs-the Breakfast Cereal, Spaceballs-the Flame Thrower. (turns it on) DINKS Ooooooo. KATHERIN The kids love this one. Last, but not least, Spaceballs - the Doll. (hold up a doll of herself) Me. (pulls on the string) KATHERIN DOLL May the Schwartz be with you. DINKS giggle. KATHERIN Adorable. SPACEBALL CITY - INT. LEX'S BEDROOM - LEX is under "Spaceballs - the Sheet" COMMANDERETTE appears on the wall. COMMANDERETTE Lex the Controller. LEX What is it? COMMANDERETTE I have an urgent message from Lord SHINI. He's lost the princess. LEX Where? COMMANDERETTE Somewhere on the sands of Vega. LEX Tell him to comb the desert. Do you hear me? Comb the desert. COMMANDERETTE Yes, mam. MOON OF VEGA - DESERT – DAY - Six guards are moving large combs across the desert. SHINI and MASHIN are in the cruiser. MASHIN Sir. SHINI (mask off; in bullhorn) What? MASHIN Are we being too literal. SHINI (in bullhorn) No, you fool. We're following orders. We were told to comb the desert, so we're combing it. SHINI puts down the bullhorn and shouts to the troopers. SHINI (shouts) Found anything yet? TROOPER WITH COMB Nothing yet, sir. SHINI (shouts) How about you? TROOPER WITH 2ND COMB Not a thing, sir. SHINI (shouts) What about you guys? TROOPER WITH MINI COMB We ain't found shit. INT. TEMPLE – DAY - KATHERIN and LUCAS are standing in front the big statue. LUCAS is showing KATHERIN his medallion. LUCAS It's a big mystery. None of the wise men can tell me what it means. KATHERIN Wise men, pa sha. Wise guys, you mean. What do they know. Here, let me take a look. (he takes the medallion) Whuck, whuck, munuck, munck, muck, muck. LUCAS You can read it? KATHERIN No, I was just clearing my throat. Here, let me take look at this. Ohh, yes. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, of course. LUCAS You understand it? KATHERIN Yes. LUCAS What's it say? KATHERIN I cannot tell you that now. It will be revealed to you at the proper time. LUCAS Great. (puts the medallion back in his shirt) KATHERIN C'mon, don't be disappointed. Back to your Schwartz training. Here, take the ring. Point it at that big statue. LUCAS (puts the ring on) Okay, but I still don't understand how I'm going to lift that big statue with this little ring. KATHERIN Never underestimate the power of the Schwartz. LUCAS points the ring to statue. KATHERIN C'mon, concentrate. Ooghuh, ooghugh. ooghuh. The statue starts lifting off the ground. KATHERIN Lucas , you're doing it. You're doing it. (laughs) LUCAS I can't believe it. The Schwartz, it's working. FLUX walks by the statue and puts his foot under it. FLUX Hey, boss, how'd you do that? LUCAS puts the ring down. The statue falls on Flux's toe. FLUX Raoooooooooooooo! Rao, rao, rao, rahhhh, rhooo. . . . KATHERIN Gimme the ring. Gimmie the ring. KATHERIN takes the ring from LUCAS . He points it at the big statue. KATHERIN Upsidasi, upKITTYasi, upsidaisy. The statue lifts up, and FLUX lifts his foot out. It is big and flat. FLUX Owwwwwww, ooooooooooohohoooooo, ooooooo.... LUCAS Sorry, Flux. FLUX (growls) Oooooooooooooohohooooooo, oooooooooooohohooooooo. EXT. TEMPLE – NIGHT - SHINI is standing next to the secret door. He can't see because it is covered in sand. MASHIN is telling the troops what to do. MASHIN Keep searching. (to SHINI) It's no use use, sir. We've searched everywhere. SHINI (mask off) Wait. I feel the presence of the Schwartz. MASHIN The Schwartz? SHINI Yes. It's coming.... (gets his ring out of his pocket and puts it on) MASHIN covers his crouch. SHINI ....from somewhere down....there. MASHIN (bushes away the sand) You're right, sir. There's a secret entrance here. And look at this insignia, it's a S. SHINI Katherin. Katherin. I hate Katherin. MASHIN I'll call the attack squad, sir. SHINI No, we can't go in there. Katherin has the Schwartz. It's far too powerful. MASHIN But, sir, your ring. Don't you have the Schwartz, too? SHINI No, she got the up-side. I got the down-side. You see, there's two kinds of every Schwartz. MASHIN Well, how are we gonna go in there and get the princess? SHINI (flips his mask on) We will not go in there. She will come out to us. (holds up his ring) INT. TEMPLE – NIGHT - KITTY is sleeping in a bed surrounded by candles. AQUENE is in Sleep Mode. GENERAL'S VOICE KITTY. KITTY, my child. Where are you? KITTY (wakes up) Sir? GENERAL'S VOICE KITTY, it's your father, King General. Come to me. KITTY Sir. Sir, I hear you. I hear you. Where are you? (starts walking out the door) GENERAL'S VOICE Follow my voice. Come to me. Come to me. AQUENE (wakes up) KITTY, where are you going? EXT. TEMPLE – NIGHT - GENERAL is standing outside in the desert. GENERAL KITTY, come to me. KITTY (opens the door and walks on the desert toward General) Sir, is it really you? GENERAL Yes, my dear. I guarantee it. Would I lie? KITTY Sir. AQUENE walks out and turns on the Supervision Mode. AQUENE Oh, KITTY, don't. When KITTY reaches to hug GENERAL, he turns into SHINI. KITTY Ah! Ohhhhh. (he pricks her with something, and she falls into SHINI's arms) SHINI (mask down) Fooled you. Ha, ha, ha, ha. A guard covers Aquene's eyes and she shuts down. SHINI Take them both aboard, and put the princess in my quarters. (hands her to MASHIN) MASHIN Yes sir. (walks off screen with KITTY) SHINI Now she is mine. INT. TEMPLE – NIGHT - LUCAS and FLUX come from their room. The DINKS are dinking, "They've taken the princess." LUCAS What are they sayin'? KATHERIN They've taken the princess. LUCAS and FLUX run outside. EXT. DESERT – NIGHT - Spaceball 1 takes off toward space. LUCAS and FLUX just now get out the door. LUCAS Spaceballs, too late. FLUX Don't worry, boss. We'll get her back. DESERT - EAGLE 5 – NIGHT - LUCAS and FLUX are getting ready to leave. LUCAS Thanks for the gas, Katherin. KATHERIN You're welcome, and here. (throws a fortune cookie at Lucas ) Just encase you get hungry. LUCAS (catches it) A fortune cookie? KATHERIN Yes. Remember, open it before you eat it. LUCAS Thanks. Well, we'd better get going. I wonder, will we ever see each other again. KATHERIN Who knows. God willing we'll all meet again in Spaceballs II: The Search for More Money. Good-bye, Lucas. LUCAS Good-bye, Katherin. LUCAS and KATHERIN shake hands. When LUCAS pulls his hand back, he pulls back the ring. LUCAS The ring of the Schwartz. No, I can't take this. KATHERIN Take it. Take it. You might need it. LUCAS Thanks. I'll never forget you. Wish me luck. DINKS Dink, dink. LUCAS climbs into Eagle 5. It starts up and takes off toward space. INT. SPACEBALL 1 - SHINI'S ROOM - SPACE SHINI is apparently talking to VEPSA. SHINI (mask up; talking in his mask down voice) So, Princess Katherin. At last, I have you in my clutches. To have my way with you. The way I want to. He is playing with dolls. SHINI (imitating KITTY) No. No, please, leave me alone. (mask down voice) No you are mine. (imitating Lucas ) Not so fast, Shinigami. (mask down voice) Lucas. (imitating Lucas ) Yes, it's me. I'm here to save my girlfriend. Hi, honey. (mask down voice) Now you are going to die. (imitating Lucas) Oh, oh, ohhhh. (imitating Flux) Hey, what did you do to my friend? (mask down voice) The same thing I'm going to do to you, big boy. (imitating Flux) Oh, ohhh. (mask down voice) And you too. (imitating Aquene) Oh, ohh. (mask down voice) Now, Princess Katherin, at last we are alone. (imitating KITTY) No, no, I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. Leave me alone....yet, I find you strangely attractive. (mask down voice) Of course you do. Princesses are always attracted to money and power. And I have both, and you know it. (imitating KITTY) No, leave me alone. (mask down voice) No, kiss me. (imitating KITTY) No, yes, no, yes, yes, no, no, ah, oh, oh, oh, ah, ohh, oh, you're helmet is so big. MASHIN opens the door behind him. MASHIN Lord Shinigami. SHINI (holds all the dolls out of MASHIN's sight) What? MASHIN You're needed on the bridge, sir. SHINI Knock on my door. Knock next time. MASHIN Yes, sir. SHINI Did you see anything? MASHIN No, sir. I didn't see you playing with your dolls again. SHINI Good. PLANET SPACEBALL - SPACEBALL CITY - INT. LEX'S BATHROOM – NIGHT - LEX is standing in the shower. She hears a beep. She gets out with a towl wrapped around her, her back is to the camera. COMMANDERETTE appears on the wall in front of her. COMMANDERETTE Lex the Controller. LEX I told you never to call me on this wall. This is an unlisted wall. COMMANDERETTE Sorry, mam, but it's very urgent. Princess Kahterin has just been brought to your office, and Lord Shinigami and Colonel Mashin are awaiting you there. LEX All right, all right. Tell them I'll be right there. COMMANDERETTE Yes, mam. (salutes) LEX returns salute. She realizes her towel fell. He pulls it back up. COMMANDERETTE smirks and disappears off the wall. LEX gets back in the shower. INT. LEX'S OFFICE – NIGHT - SHINI and MASHIN are talking to GENERAL on the screen. Behind them is KITTY on a table turned vertically. Also is DR. SCHLOTKINS, GRETCHEN, and ARNOLD. GENERAL Shinigami, you fiend, what's going on? What are you doing to my daughter? SHINI (mask down) Permit me to introduce the brilliant, young plastic surgeon, Dr. Philip Schlotkins. The greatest nose-job man in the entire universe and Beverly-Hills. SCHLOTKINS Your highness. GENERAL Nose-job? I don't understand. She's already had a nose. It was a sweet- 16 present. SHINI No, it's not what you think. It's much, much, worse. If you do not give me the combination to the air shield, Dr. Schlotkins will give your daughter back (holds up picture) her old nose. This one is "Clue". It has been redone by Tenshi!!! CLUE SHOCKABUKU STYLE The sky is growing stormy. Lucas's car travels through the wind of an oncoming storm. It pulls up to the gate of the Capsle Corp. The Capsle Corp is a large, imposing mansion. Lucas takes out a key and unlocks the gate. He drives the car up to the front door. Lucas exits the car, holding a bag and looking at the two barking guard dogs. The dogs approach Lucas . . . then jump. He quickly pulls a big beef bone out of the bag and hurls it to them. The dogs trot away to gnaw on the bone as Lucas rolls up the bag. He cinches their chain so it won't allow them to reach the door.Then he steps toward the door . . . and sniffs. Lucas pauses and checks the bottom of his feet. Dog crap. He looks in disgust at the dogs, who aren't bothered at all. *************************************************************************** The Hall of the Capsle Corp is remarkable, elegant but not gaudy. It is furnished in dark wood, and brass, with crystal chandeliers. There are several doors on each side of the hall and three at the end. To the left: Living room and dining room. To the right: Study, library, and billiard room. The end: Conservatory, laboratory, bathroom, and kitchen. The stairs are located to the right. By the staircase is the door to the basement steps. "Shake, Rattle, and Roll" is playing in the background. Lucas opens the front door of C.C. and wipes off his foot. He enters and hangs up his coat. Then he steps briskly down the Hall steps toward the library. The library is a somewhat more comfortable room than the hall, composed of dark colors. All of the walls are covered with books,with the exception of one wall, a window. Kitty, a young and rather jiggly french maid, is polishing a glass. The music is much louder. Lucas enters and turns off the record player. The music stops. He speaks to the maid in a proper English accent. LUCAS:Is everything ready? KITTY (in a French accent):Oui, monsieur. LUCAS:You have your instructions? Kitty nods and Lucas exits. After he leaves Kitty sniffs the air, and then examines the bottom of her shoes. *************************************************************************** Ashita the cook is sharpening a knife in the kitchen when Lucas comes in. LUCAS:Is everything all right, Ashita? Ashita turns, knife in hand: Dinner will be ready at seven-thirty. The doorbell rings and Lucas exits to answer the door. *************************************************************************** Ore is standing by the front door, being growled at by the dogs. He is not comfortable. Lucas opens the door. LUCAS:Good evening. ORE:Good evening. I don't know if-- LUCAS:Yes, indeed, sir, you are expected, Colonel.May I take your coat? It is Colonel Ore, isn't it? ORE:No, that's not my name. My name is Colonel-- LUCAS:Trust me, sir, but tonight you may well feel obliged to my employer for the use of an alias. Ore sniffs around and checks his shoe as Lucas hangs his coat.The pair starts across the hall. ORE:And who are you, sir? LUCAS:I'm Lucas, sir. The butler. They enter the library to see Kitty. LUCAS:Kitty, will you attend to the Colonel and give him anything he requires.(glances at them)Within reason, that is. Lucas exits, closing the doors behind him. ORE:Oh, Lucas, I was-- He turns to discover that Lucas is gone. The bell rings. *************************************************************************** Simoriah, dressed in black [what else would she wear], stands on the porch. Lucas opens the door. LUCAS:Do come in, madam. You are expected. SIM:Do you know who I am? LUCAS:Only that you are to be known as Sim. SIM:Yes, it said so in the letter. But, why . . . ? Lucas removes her coat, with a brilliantlySim inside.Sim sniffs and checks her shoe. *************************************************************************** In the library Ore is sipping Cognac and glancing at Kitty. The doors open. LUCAS:Ah. May I introduce you? Sim, this is Kitty, the maid.(The two women react with disgust)I see you know each other. Sim turns away as Ore emerges from behind the door. SIM:Hello. ORE:Hello. *************************************************************************** Trinity is standing by her broken down car on the side of the road.She hits the car, obviously frustrated. Then she sees headlights a short way away and quickly smoothes her dress. As the car nears, she bends over the engine and lifts a leg. The car screeches to a halt just past her and backs up. Trinity goes to the car and peers in. HIIRO'S VOICE:Want a lift? TRINITY:(sultry)Yes, please . . . And she gets in. TRINITY:Thanks. I'm late for a dinner date. HIIRO:Me too. Where are you going? Trinity pulls out a sheet of paper. TRINITY:(looking at paper)Let's see . . . Capsle Corp. HIIRO:Wait a minute. Let me look at that. That's where I'm going. I got a letter like this. They both look disturbed. *************************************************************************** Lucas lets Mika into the house. LUCAS:And this is Mika. ORE:How do you do? SIM:Hello. LUCAS:Kitty, will you go and check that dinner will be ready as soon as all the guests have arrived? Kitty nods. Mika stares disapprovingly at Kitty's exposed cleavage as she goes to the kitchen. The doorbell rings.It is now raining quite hard. Lucas opens the door to reveal Kebo. KEBO:Is this the right address to meet Justice? LUCAS:Oh, you must be KEBO. KEBO:Yes . . . LUCAS:(to dogs)Sit! Kebo frantically sits on a bench by the door. LUCAS:No. Not you, sir. Kebo sheepishly gets up and enters the house. *************************************************************************** Back in Hiiro's car... Trinity:It should be just off there. HIIRO:That must be it. Lightning crashes, illuminating the house. TRINITY:Why is the car stopped? HIIRO:It's frightened. The car is started again and it rolls up the driveway.They exit their car and run for the front door. Hiiro shields the Trin from the now heavy rain. HIIRO:What a godforsaken place! He squeezes one of Trin's buttocks.She shakes his hand off, looking disgusted. The door opens, revealing Lucas. LUCAS:Professor HIIRO! And TRINITY. I didn't realize you were acquainted. TRINITY:We worked together on the Endurance, Lucas! They enter and go to the library. LUCAS:May I present Professor HIIRO . . . and TRINITY. Nods all around. Hiiro and Trin receive wine glasses from Kitty, whom Hiiro eyes. Hiiro clinks glasses with Trin, who looks annoyed. LUCAS:Of course, since you've each been addressed by a pseudonym, you'll have realized that nobody here is being addressed by their real name. The guests glance around suspiciously. SIM:Why aren't we using our real names? We all know each other. LUCAS:Humor me. In the hall Ashita bangs a gong once, fiercely. The gong is heard a second time in the library. Kebo jumps at the sound, dumping his champagne on Mika. LUCAS:(calmly, as always)Ah. Dinner. KEBO:(hands Mika his glass, starts to mop her up as she clucks)I'm sorry . . . I'm a little accident-prone . . . The guests cross to the Dining Room. At one end, there is a door and a metal partition, both leading to the kitchen. The guests file in. LUCAS:You'll find your names beside your places. Please be seated. Everyone, except for Ore, find their places and sit. Lucas sets Trinity's drink on the table, to her pleasure. ORE:(indicating the head of the table)Is this place for you? LUCAS:Oh, indeed, no, sir. I'm merely a humble butler. ORE:And what exactly do you do? LUCAS:I buttle, sir. ORE:Which means what? LUCAS:The butler is head of the kitchen and dining room. I keep everything . . . tidy. That's all. Ore attempts to continue but is interrupted by Mika. MIKA:Well, what's all this about, butler; this dinner party? LUCAS:"Ours is not to reason why . . . Ours is but to do and die" HIIRO:"Die"? LUCAS:(smiling)Merely quoting, sir, from Alfred, Lord Tennyson. ORE:(now seated next to Trinity)Hm. I prefer Kipling, myself. "The female of the species is more deadly than the male." (to TRINITY)You like Kipling? TRINITY:Sure, I'll eat anything. Kitty enters carrying a tray. KITTY:(to Mika)Sharks' Fin Soup, Madame. ORE:(again indicating head)So is this for our host? LUCAS:No, sir. For the seventh guest, Justice. SIM:I thought Justice was our host? The guests all concur. SIM:So who is our host, Lucas? Lucas chuckles with a closed smile. HIIRO:Well, I want to start, while it's still hot. MIKA:Oh, now shouldn't we wait for the other guest? KITTY:I will keep somesing warm for eem. TRINITY:What did you have in mind, dear? Everyone is silent. Hiiro slurps soup from his spoon. Sim disapproves, then does the same. Ore, Trin, and Kebo stare at them, spoons poised near mouths. They do it again. Silence. MIKA:(breathlessly)Well, someone's got to break the ice, and it might as well be me. I mean, I'm used to being a hostess; it was part of my mother's work, and it's always difficult when a group of new friends meet together for the first time to get acquainted, so I'm perfectly prepared to start the ball rolling . . . I mean, I have absolutely no idea what we're doing here, or what I'm doing here, or what this place is about, but I am determined to enjoy myself and I'm very intrigued and oh, my, this soup's delicious isn't it? Everyone sits bewildered. SIM: You say you are used to being a hostess as part of your mom's work? MIKA:Yes, it's an integral part of your life when you are the daughter of a. . .oh, but then I forgot we're not supposed to say who we really are, though heavens to Betsy, I don't know why. ORE:Don't you. KEBO:I know who you are. TRINITY:Aren't you going to tell us? MIKA:(removes glasses nervously)How do you know who I am? KEBO:I'm your husband. HIIRO:Oh, so you're married. MIKA:Yes, we-we are. ORE:Well, come on, then. Who's your mother? Suddenly, Lucas opens the door from the kitchen. MIKA:(to Sim)So, what does your husband do? SIM:(almost cutting her off)Nothing. MIKA:Nothing? SIM:Well, he . . . just . . . lies around on his back all day. TRINITY:Sounds like hard work to me. Kitty, in the kitchen, opens the partition suddenly. The noise coincides with a crash of thunder. Kebo, jumpy as ever, spills his drink again, this time on Trinity. KEBO:I'm . . . sorry. I'm afraid I'm a little accident-prone. He starts to wipe off her upper chest. TRINITY:Ah--watch it. He stops. Kitty starts serving food. KITTY:Excuse moi. The guests start eating. MIKA:Mmm! This is one of my favorite recipes! LUCAS:I know, madam. MIKA:So, what do you do Hiiro? No answer. MIKA:Come on, what do you do? I mean, how are we to get acquainted if we don't say anything about ourselves? SIM:(angrily)Perhaps she doesn't want to get acquainted with you. MIKA:(bothered)Well, I'm sure I don't know, but if I wasn't trying to keep the conversation going, then we would just be sitting here in an embarrassed silence. HIIRO:Are you afraid of silence, Mika? MIKA:Yes! What? No, why? HIIRO:Oh, it just seems to me that you seem to suffer from what we call pressure of speech. TRINITY:"We"? Who's "we"? Are you a shrink? HIIRO:I do know a little bit about psychological medicine, yes. SIM:Are you a doctor? HIIRO:I am, but I don't practice. TRINITY:Practice makes perfect. Ha. I think most men need a little practice, don't you, Mika? Mika shrugs, very uncomfortable. SIM:So what do you do, Professor? HIIRO:I work for UNO, the United Nations Organization. ORE:Another politician. Jesus! HIIRO:No, I work for a branch of UNO. W.H.O., the World Health Organization. MIKA:Well, what is your area of special concern? HIIRO:Family planning. (to Ore)What about you, Colonel? Are you a real colonel? ORE:(seriously)I am, sir. TRINITY:You're not going to mention the coincidence that you also live in Tokyo? ORE:How did you know that? Have we met before? TRINITY:I've certainly seen you before. Although you may not have seen me. KEBO:So, TRINITY, does this mean that you live in Tokyo, too? TRINITY:Sure do. MIKA:Does anyone here not live in Tokyo.? HIIRO:I don't. KEBO:Yes, but you work for the United Nations. That's a government job. And the rest of us all live in a government town. Anyone here not earn their living from the government in one way or another. Ore stands suddenly. ORE:(angrily, to Lucas)LUCAS, where's our host, and why have we been brought here? The doorbell rings and Lucas exits to go get it. They all hear the door opening and LUCAS speaks. LUCAS:Ah! Good evening. You are eagerly awaited. JUSTICE:You lockin' me in? I'll take the key. LUCAS:Over my dead body, sir. May I take your bag? JUSTICE:No. I'll leave it here 'til I need it. LUCAS:It contains evidence, I presume? JUSTICE:Surprises, my friend. That's what it contains--surprises! Lucas enters the dining room, followed by Justice. LUCAS:Ladies and gentlemen, may I present Justice. JUSTICE:What are they all doin' here? LUCAS:Eating dinner. Do sit down, Justice. JUSTICE:(sitting)Thanks. Kitty starts to serve him JUSTICE:Nah, you can take that away, honey. Mika hits the table. MIKA:(angrily)Look. I dePUFF:d to know what's going on. Now why have we all been dragged up to this horrible place? LUCAS:Well. I believe we all received a letter. My letter says, "It will be to your advantage to be present on this date because a Justice will bring to an end a certain long-standing confidential and painful financial liability." It is signed, "A friend." KEBO:I received a similar letter. TRINITY:So did we, didn't we. (indicating Hiiro) JUSTICE:I also received a letter. (Kitty starts to serve him again) No thanks, Kitty. I just ate. KEBO:Now, how did you know her name? JUSTICE:We know each other. (puts his hand up Kitty's short skirt) Don't we, dear? She recoils. LUCAS:Forgive my curiosity, Justice, but did your letter say the same thing? JUSTICE:No. LUCAS:I see . . .(to group) Can I interest any of you in fruit or dessert? No response. LUCAS:In that case, may I suggest we adjourn to the study for coffee and brandy, at which point I believe our unknown host will reveal his intentions. *************************************************************************** The guests enter and look around for their host. KEBO:Well, there's no one here. LUCAS:(to the guests in general) Please help yourself to brandy and be seated. Lucas goes to the desk and takes a PUFF:illa envelope. It reads- For LUCAS Open AFTER DINNER TRINITY:Mind if I smoke? Hiiro, seated next to Trinity, lights her cigarette. Lucas opens the envelope. He peruses the contents. LUCAS:Ladies and gentlemen, I'm instructed to you what you all have in common with each other. Unless you would care to do the honors, Justice? JUSTICE:Why me? They know who I am? LUCAS:I don't think so. You've never identified yourself to them, I believe. Justice stands suddenly. JUSTICE:It's a hoax! I suggest we all leave. He takes off out the study door. LUCAS:(in pursuit)I'm sorry, sir, you cannot leave this house! Justice goes to the front door. Lucas follows, and he is followed by the other guests. JUSTICE:No? Who's gonna stop me? LUCAS:There's no way out.(Justice tries the front door. It's locked.) All the windows have bars, all the doors are locked. JUSTICE:This is an outrage! You can't hold us prisoner! The guests, in confusion, agree. LUCAS:(shouting over the din) Ladies and gentlemen, please! Please return to the study. Everything will be explained. The guests file unhappily back into the study. Justice walks past Lucas toward the rear of the hall. LUCAS:(to Justice)You too, Justice. Justice starts running. LUCAS:Other way! He pursues Justice who has gone to the conservatory. Three of the walls are brick, and the fourth is glass,leading to the outside. The rain can be heard and seen, against the glass. Justice runs in, picks up a brick and prepares to throw it through the glass. Lucas enters. LUCAS:You can't get out that way. JUSTICE:Why not? It's only glass! Suddenly, a vicious DoberPUFF: jumps at the glass, barking and snarling. Justice drops the brick. *************************************************************************** Back in the studyt he guests are waiting nervously. Lucas and Justice enter. Lucas takes up his envelope again. LUCAS:Ladies and gentlemen, you all have one thing in common. You're all being blackmailed. For some considerable time, all of you have been paying what you can afford and, in some cases, more than you can afford to someone who threatens to expose you. And none of you know who's blackmailing you, do you? MIKA:Oh, please! I've never heard anything so ridiculous. I mean, nobody could blackmail me. My life is an open book--I've never done anything wrong. LUCAS:Anybody else wish to deny it? The guests look at each other, but no one responds. LUCAS:Very well. As everyone here is in the same boat, there's no harm in my revealing some details. And my instructions are to do so. Thank you, Kitty. The maid, so dised, leaves. Lucas's eyes follow her out. SIM:Don't you think you might spare us this humiliation? LUCAS:I'm sorry. Hiiro, you were once a professor of psychiatry, specializing in helping paranoid and homicidal lunatics suffering from delusions of grandeur. HIIRO:Yes, but now I work for the United Nations. LUCAS:So your work has not changed. But you don't practice medicine at the U.N. His license to practice has been lifted, correct? TRINITY:Why? What did he do? LUCAS:You know what doctors aren't allowed to do with their lady patients? TRINITY:Yeah? LUCAS:Well, he did. TRINITY:Ha! I knew you were cheating on me you sex crazed baka! MIKA:Oh, how disgusting. LUCAS:(swooping down on her)Are you making moral judgements, Mika? How, then, do you justify being born on the wrong side of the bed? MIKA:(standing)No, it's a vicious lie! LUCAS:I'm sure we're all glad to hear that. But you've been paying blackmail for over a year now to keep that story from resurfacing. SIM:(to Mika)Well, I am willing to believe you. I too am being blackmailed for something I didn't do. KEBO:Me too. ORE:And me. TRINITY:Not me. LUCAS:You're not being blackmailed? TRINITY:Oh, I'm being blackmailed, all right. But I did what I'm being blackmailed for. HIIRO:(with interest)What did you do? TRINITY:Well, to be perfectly frank, I run a specialized hotel and a telephone service which provide gentlemen with the company of a young lady for a short while. HIIRO:(very interested)Oh, yeah?(pulling out a pen and notepad) What's the phone number? TRINITY:(rolls her eyes)Like I'm gonna tell you, ya adultrous dolt. KEBO:So how did you know Ore works in Tokyo? Is he one of your clients? ORE:(incredulous)Certainly not! KEBO: I was asking TRINITY. ORE:(to TRINITY)Well, you tell him it's not true! TRINITY:It's not true. HIIRO:Is that true? TRINITY:No, it's not true. KEBO:Ha-hah! So it is true! LUCAS:A double negative! ORE:Double "negative"? You mean you have--(whispers to TRINITY)Photographs? LUCAS:That sounds like a confession to me. In fact, the double negative has led to proof positive. I'm afraid you gave yourself away. ORE:Are you trying to make me look stupid in front of the other guests? LUCAS:You don't need any help from me, sir. ORE:That's right! Ore then realizes what he just said. HIIRO:But seriously, I don't see what's so terrible about Colonel Ore visiting a house of ill fame.(puts his hand on Trinity's leg) Most soldiers do, don't they? TRINITY:(standing)Oh, please. LUCAS:But he holds a sensitive security post in the pentagon. And, Colonel, you drive a very expensive car for someone who lives on a colonel's pay. ORE:I don't. I came into money during the war, when I lost my mommy and daddy. LUCAS:Sim, you've been paying our friend the blackmailer ever since your husband died under, shall we say, mysterious circumstances. Trinity laughs. SIM:Why is that funny? TRINITY:I see. That's why he was lying on his back. In his coffin. SIM:I didn't kill him. ORE:Then why are you paying the blackmailer? SIM:I don't want a scandal, do I? We had had a very humiliating public confrontation,he was deranged . . . lunatic. He didn't actually seem to like me very much, he had threatened to kill me in public. TRINITY:Why would he want to kill you in public? LUCAS:I think she meant he threatened, in public, to kill her. TRINITY:Oh. And was that his final word on the matter? SIM:Being killed is pretty final, wouldn't you say? LUCAS:And yet he was the one who died, not you, Sim, not you. TRINITY:What did he do for a living? SIM:He was a warrior. TRINITY:What was he like? SIM:He was always a rather stupidly optimistic PUFF:. I mean, I'm afraid it came as a great shock to him when he died. But he was found dead at home. His head had been cut off and so had his . . . you know . . . The men in the room cross their legs. SIM:I had been out all evening at the movies. TRINITY:Do you him? SIM:Well, it's a matter of life after death. Now that he's dead, I have a life. LUCAS:But he was your second husband. Your first husband also disappeared. SIM:But that was his job. He was an illusionist. LUCAS:But he never reappeared. SIM:(shrugging)He wasn't a very good illusionist. Kebo clears his throat and stands. KEBO:I have something to say.(pauses) I'm not going to wait for LUCAS here to unmask me. I work for the state department. And I am a homosexual. Lucas, wide-eyed, looks for KEBO's file. Mika clucks in shock and disgust. KEBO:I feel no personal shame or guilt about this. But I must keep it a secret or I will lose my job on security grounds.(pauses again). . . Thank you. Kebo sits back down next to Hiiro,who rapidly stands and walks away. HIIRO:Well, that just leaves Justice. TRINITY:What's your little secret, son? LUCAS:His secret? Oh, hadn't you guessed? He's the one who's blackmailing you all. Lightning crashes. Justice looks very satisfied. ORE:You bastard! The guests advance on Justice as he stands. Ore challenges him to fight, boxing-style. ORE:Put 'em up! Justice steps on the Ore's toes and pokes him in the eyes. KEBO:Gentlemen . . . ORE:If you can't fight fairly, don't fight at all! JUSTICE:Calls me a bastard! Kebo and the others try to separate them as Ore recovers and Justice goes for him. Sim decides to take matters into her own hands and knees Justice in the crotch. KEBO:Was that necessary, Sim? LUCAS:Wait! Wait! The police are coming! The guests disapprove. LUCAS:Listen! Blackmail depends on secrecy. You've all admitted how he's been able to blackmail you. All you have to do is tell the police, he'll be convicted, and your troubles will be over. JUSTICE:(standing, in pain)'s not so easy. You'll never tell the police. LUCAS:Then I shall. I have evidence in my possession, and this conversation is being tape recorded. KEBO:Point of order--tape recordings are not adible evidence! General confusion ensues. LUCAS:Ladies and gentlemen, the police will be here in about(checks his watch)forty-five minutes. Tell them the truth, and Justice will be behind bars. Justice goes for the hall. Lucas stops them. LUCAS:Where are you going this time? JUSTICE:I think I can help them make up their minds. Can I just get my little bag from the hall? Justice gets his bags from by the front door and returns to the study. He opens his luggage. JUSTICE:Who can guess what's in here, eh? SIM:The evidence against us, no doubt. Justice chuckles. He starts handing out boxes, each with a different size and shape. TRINITY:We didn't know we were meeting you tonight. Did you know you were meeting us? JUSTICE:Oh, yes. SIM:What were you told, precisely? JUSTICE:Merely that you were all meeting to discuss our little . . . financial arrangements. And if I did not appear,Lucas would be informing the police about it all. Naturally I could hardly resist putting in an appearance. He finishes handing out the packages. JUSTICE:(elbowing his way to the door)'Scuse me.(eyeing the packages) Open 'em. TRINITY:Why not? I enjoy getting presents from strange men. She opens her package-A candlestick. TRINITY:A candlestick? What's this for? Sim opens her box and reveals a rope-tied in a noose. Kebo takes his box in one hand. He opens it and lets the contents fall into his other hand. A bent lead pipe. Col. Ore opens his box and pulls out . . .a heavy wrench. Prof. HIIRO takes the lid off his package and looks in. He gingerly pulls out a revolver. Finally, Mika is twirling a dagger. LUCAS:In your hands, you each have a lethal weapon. If you denounce me to the police, you will also be exposed and humiliated. I'll see to that in court.(pauses)But . . . if one of you kills Lucas now . . . (Lucas' eyes widen in shock.)no one but the seven of us will ever know. He has the key to the front door, which he said would only be opened over his dead body. I suggest we take him up on that offer. (Justice goes over to the light switch with deliberate ease. He closes the door to the hall and sets his drink down.) The only way to avoid finding yourselves on the front pages is for one of you to kill LUCAS. Now. (He turns off the lights.) Someone inhales raspily. A gunshot. Something ceramic shatters. A scream. The lights go up. Mika, who turned on the light, drops the dagger in shock. Justice is lying prone on the floor. ORE:It's not LUCAS! The guests talk to each other. HIIRO:Stand back! Give him air!(kneels next to Justice)Let me see. (checks him for signs of life) He's dead! SIM:Who had the gun? HIIRO:I did. MIKA:Then you shot him! HIIRO:I didn't! MIKA:Well, you had the gun. If you didn't shoot him, who did? Justice is turned over. HIIRO:Nobody! Look, there's no gunshot wound. Somebody tried to grab the gun from me in the dark and the gun went off. Look! The bullet broke that vase on the PUFF:tel! Everyone rushes for the PUFF:tel simultaneously, causing confusion. ORE:He's absolutely right. Look, there's a bullet hole here in the wall. See that? Kebo grabs Hiiro by the lapels. KEBO:How did he die? HIIRO:I don't know!(shoves him away) I'm not a forensic expert. SIM:Well, one of us must have killed him! KEBO:Well, I didn't do it. MIKA:Oh, I need a drink! She goes to the door and gets Justice's cognac and sips. HIIRO:(alarmed) Maybe he was poisoned! Mika drops the glass in revulsion and starts to scream. She won't stop. Kebo takes her to a sofa, offering words of comfort. She sits, but won't stop screaming. Kebo then slaps her. KEBO:I . . . I had to stop her from screaming . . . HIIRO:(to Kebo)Was the brandy poisoned? KEBO:I don't know. TRINITY:(picks up the glass. All the cognac has spilled out) Looks like we'll never know. KEBO:Unless . . . unless she dies, too. They all rush over to scrutinize Mika. A scream erupts from another room! The guests gasp. They run from the study into the hall. The guests run to the door of the billiard room. Kebo tries it. KEBO:It's locked! LUCAS:Open up! HIIRO:It must be the murderer. KEBO:Why would he scream? SIM:He must have a victim in there. Oh, my God! Kitty! KEBO:Oh, my God! The doors open. The guests pour in. LUCAS:You're alive! KITTY:No sanks to you! LUCAS:What do you mean? KITTY:You lock me up with a murderer, you eediot! KEBO:So the murderer is in this room. KITTY:Mai Oui! KEBO:But where? KITTY:Where? 'Ere! Kebo looks behind the door. KITTY:We are all looking at eem. Or 'er. Is what Sim said in ze study--one of you is ze killer! HIIRO:How did you know we said that? KITTY:I was lisuning! SIM:But why were you screaming in here all by yourself? KITTY:Because I am frightened. Me too, I also drink ze cognac. (sobbing) Mon diou. I can't stay in here by myself. Trinity and Ore go to Kitty. TRINITY:Come back to the study with us. KITTY:With ze murderer? ORE:(shaking the wrench)There is safety in numbers . . .(realizing and putting the wrench away). . . my dear. The guests leave the room. After they are gone, Lucas takes the tape off the spools. KEBO:Is there no indication of how he died? HIIRO:No. LUCAS:This is terrible. This is absolutely terrible! It's not what I'd intended. Oh, my God . . . SIM::Not what YOU intended? TRINITY:So you're not the butler? LUCAS:I'm not THE butler, but I am A butler. In fact, I was his butler. HIIRO:So if he told you to invite us all to his house, why did he arrive late? LUCAS:I invited you. In fact, I wrote the letters. It was all my idea. SIM::Wait a minute. I-I don't understand. Why did you invite us here to meet your late employer? Were you assisting him to blackmail us? LUCAS:Certainly not! SIM:I think you had better explain. LUCAS:Please sit down. Everyone. Everyone sits but Kebo. He searches for a spot, but no one gives it to him. He ends up leaning against a serving table. LUCAS:When I said that I was Justice's butler,this was both true and misleading. I was once his butler,but it was not his untimely death this evening that brought my employment with him to an end. ORE:When did it come to an end? LUCAS:When my wife decided to . . . end her life. She too was being blackmailed by this odious PUFF: who now lies dead before us. He hated my wife for the same reason that he hated all of you. He believed that you were all thoroughly . . .un-American. Kebo's serving table gives way, landing him (and several pieces of crystal) on the floor. KEBO:Sorry. LUCAS:For some reason, he felt that it was inappropriate for a senator to have a corrupt wife, for a doctor to take advantage of his patients, for a wife to emasculate her husband and . . . and . . . so forth. KEBO:But this is ridiculous! If he was such a patriotic American, why didn't he just report us to the authorities? LUCAS:He decided to put his information to good use and make a little money out of it. What could be more American than that? Several nods. HIIRO:And what was your role in all this? LUCAS:I was . . . a victim, too. At least my wife was. She had friends who were . . .(this is obviously painful for him). . . Socialists. Gasps and muttering from several guests,the most vocal of whom is Mika. LUCAS:(holding back tears)Well, we all make mistakes . . . (Sim pulls a tissue from her bra and gives it to him.) LUCAS:But Justice threatened to give my wife's name to the House Un-American Activities Committee unless she named them. She refused, and so he blackmailed her. We had no money, and the price of his silence was that we worked for him for nothing. We were slaves! Well, to make a long story short-- ORE:Too late. LUCAS:--The suicide of my wife preyed on my mind, and created a sense of injustice in me. I resolved to put Justice behind bars. It seemed to be the best way to do it, and to free all of you from the same burden of blackmail was to get everyone face to face, confront Justice with his crimes, and then . . .turn him over to the police. HIIRO:So, everything is explained. TRINITY:Nothing's explained. We still don't know who killed him! LUCAS:Well, the point is, we've got to find out in the next thirty-nine minutes. Before the police arrive! MIKA:My God, we can't have them come here now-- KEBO:But . . . how can we possibly find out which of you did it? HIIRO:What do you mean which of "you" did it? KEBO:Well, I didn't do it! LUCAS:Well, one of us did. We all had the opportunity, we all had a motive. TRINITY:Great. We'll all go to the chair. HIIRO:Maybe it wasn't one of us. ORE:Well, who else could it have been? HIIRO:Who else is in the house? LUCAS and KITTY: Only Ashita. ALL:Ashita! The party runs from the study to the Kitchen. They all get stuck in the door, except for Kebo. He steps down into the kitchen and looks around. KEBO:Well. She's not here. The door to the freezer starts to open. Trinity screams. Ashita's body tumbles out into Kebo's arms. She now has the dagger sticking out of her back. KEBO:I didn't do it!!(pause) Somebody help me, please? (nobody moves) Somebody help me, PLEASE? Several guests go to help. One of them reaches for the knife. ORE:Don't touch it. That's evidence. SIM:Not for us. We have to find out who did this. We can't take fingerprints! ORE:(to LUCAS)I think you'd better explain yourself, Lucas. LUCAS:Me? Why me? KEBO:Who would want to kill Ashita? TRINITY:Dinner wasn't that bad. ORE:How can you make jokes at a time like this? TRINITY:It's my defense mechanism. ORE:Some defense. If I was the killer, I would kill you next. (Several guests look shocked) TRINITY:Oh? (Uncomfortable silence) ORE:I said "if." "If"!(pause)Hey, come on. There is only one admitted killer here, and it is certainly not me,it is her! He points at Sim. SIM:I've admitted nothing. ORE:Well, you paid the blackmail. How PUFF:y husbands have you had? SIM:Mine or other women's? ORE:Yours. SIM:Five. ORE:Five. SIM:Yes, just the five. Husbands should be like Kleenex. Soft, strong, and disposable. ORE:You lure men to their deaths like a spider with flies! SIM:Flies are where men are most vulnerable. ORE:Right! (Again, he realizes what he just said) ORE:Well, if it wasn't you, then who was it? Who had the dagger, anyway? It was you, Mika, wasn't it? MIKA:Yes, but I put it down. HIIRO:Where? MIKA:In the study. HIIRO:When? MIKA:I don't know! Before I fainted, after I fainted, I don't know! But any of you could have picked it up. LUCAS:Hmm. Look. I suggest we take Ashita's body into the study. ORE:Why?:I'm the butler. I like to keep the kitchen tidy. The men are carrying Ashita's body into the study, effectively blocking off the women's view. HIIRO:(dropping Ashita and pointing)Look! LUCAS and KEBO:What? HIIRO:The body's gone! Ashita is dropped. MIKA:What are you all staring at? KEBO:Nothing . . . MIKA:Well, who's there? ORE:Nobody. LUCAS:Nobody. No Justice, that's what we mean. Justice's body. It's gone. SIM:Maybe he wasn't dead. HIIRO:He was. TRINITY:We should have made sure! MIKA:How? By cutting his head off, I suppose. SIM:That wasn't called for. TRINITY:Where is he? HIIRO:We better look for him. They look around. KEBO:Well . . . he couldn't have been dead. HIIRO:He was. At least I thought he was. But . . . what difference does it make now? TRINITY:It makes quite a difference to him. Maybe there is life after death. SIM:Life after death is as improbable as sex after marriage. KEBO:Maybe Justice killed Ashita! TRINITY and SIM:Yes! LUCAS:How? Kebo is at a loss. MIKA:Well, if you'll excuse me, I have to, um . . .(to Kitty)Is there a little girls' room? KITTY:Oui, oui, madame. MIKA:No, I just want to powder my nose, thank you. Kitty is bewildered. Mika steps over Ashita's corpse into the hall. Trinity, wandering around, picks up something. TRINITY:What's this, LUCAS? LUCAS:I'm afraid those are the negatives to which Ore earlier referred. ORE:(Going for them)Oh, my God! TRINITY:Were you planning to blackmail him, Lucas? LUCAS:Certainly not! I'd obtained them for the Colonel, and I was going to give them back as soon as Justice was unmasked. TRINITY:Mmmm . . . very pretty. Would you like to see these, Kitty? They might shock you . . . KITTY:No, merci. I am a lay-dee. TRINITY:Oh, how do you know what kind of pictures they are if you're such a "lay-dee"? HIIRO:What sort of pictures are they? ORE:They are my pictures, and I'd like them back, please. TRINITY:No, I'm afraid there's something in them that concerns me too. Hiiro snatches the pictures and holds them up to the light. HIIRO:Let me see . . . SIM:(looking)Oh, my. Nobody can get into that position. HIIRO:(putting the pictures down)Sure they can. Let me show you. Hiiro starts to demonstrate with Sim on the couch. SIM:Get off me! *************************************************************************** Back in the hall Mika opens the door to the bathroom and screams. Justice's body falls out and lands in her outstretched arms. He is almost certainly dead now; his head is bloody. The party runs out to help her. HIIRO:Justice! KEBO:He's attacking her! They pull the corpse off Mika. SIM:Well, he's dead. LUCAS:Justice. Dead. Again. MIKA:(fanning herself)Oh, my God . . . LUCAS:She's going to faint. HIIRO:Somebody catch her! LUCAS:(going behind Mika and encircling her with his arms)I'll catch you. Fall into my arms.(she slips right through)Sorry . . . SIM:(looking at Kebo)You've got blood on your hands . . . KEBO:(panicking)I didn't do it! LUCAS:He's got new injuries. He picks up Justice's arm and lets it fall again. LUCAS:Well, he's certainly dead now. Why would anyone want to kill him twice? TRINITY:It seems so unnecessary. ORE:It's what we call "overkill." HIIRO:It's what we call "psychotic." KEBO:Unless he wasn't dead before. HIIRO:What's the difference? LUCAS:(shouting)That's what we're trying to find out! We're trying to find out who killed him, and where, and with what! HIIRO:There's no need to shout! LUCAS:(even louder)I'm not shouting!! All right, I am. I'm shouting, I'm shouting, I'm shout-- At which point the candlestick, which had been nestled above the bathroom door, falls and hits him on the head. Lucas hits the floor. *************************************************************************** Mika has evidently recovered somewhat. The women are taking the heavier Ashita into the study, the men have the lighter Justice. The guests make groans of exertion. Ore is issuing orders. ORE:Okay, put the corpses on the sofa.(pause)Ladies first. More sounds of exertion. They plop Ashita on the sofa. Lucas enters, holding ice to his head. LUCAS:Careful, don't get blood on the sofa. KITTY:How do we do sis? Ze dagger will go furzer into 'er back. ORE:Tip her forward, over the arm. They do so. ORE:Now Justice. More sounds of exertion. Ore nods. Hiiro is stuck on the couch between the two corpses. Rather than move, he decides to make himself comfortable. ORE:Now. Who--(he closes Justice's staring eyes)Who had access to the candlestick? SIM:It was given to you.(pointing to Trin) TRINITY:Yeah, but I dropped it on the table. Anyone could have picked it up. You . . . him . . . Lucas starts going around the room, picking up the weapons. LUCAS:Look. We still have all these weapons. The gun, the rope,the wrench, the lead pipe. Let's put them all in this cupboard and lock it. There's a homicidal maniac about! He locks the weapons in the cupboard. Everyone states their approval. KEBO:What are you doing with the key? LUCAS:Putting it in my pocket. KEBO:Why? LUCAS:Well, to keep it safe, obviously. MIKA:That means that you can open it, whenever you want. LUCAS:But it also means that you can't. MIKA:But what if you're the murderer? LUCAS:I'm not. ORE:But what if you are?! LUCAS:Well, it's got to be put somewhere. If I've got it, I know I'm safe. MIKA:We don't know that WE are! LUCAS:I've an idea. We'll throw it away! The party agrees and all run to the front door. Lucas opens the door and prepares to throw the key out. Waiting outside the door is Mr. Puff, who ducks, thinking Lucas is about to hit him. The butler quickly recovers and pockets the key. The rest of the party runs up behind him. LUCAS:Sorry . . .Sorry . . . (laughs nervously)Can we help? PUFF:I'm sorry, I didn't mean to disturb the whole household, but . . .my car broke down out here,and I was wondering if I could use your phone. LUCAS:Just a moment, please. The party huddles together and discusses it. The Puff looks rather confused. After a time, the group turns to Mr. Puff. LUCAS:Very well, sir. Would you care to come in? PUFF:Well? Where is it? LUCAS:What, the body? PUFF:The phone. What body? LUCAS:Well, there's no body. There's nobody. There's nobody in the study. PARTY:No! LUCAS:But I think there's a phone in the lounge. PUFF:Thank you. Lucas leads Mr. Puff inside and indicates the phone. LUCAS:When you've finished your call,perhaps you'd be good enough to wait here. It is not a question. PUFF:Certainly. Lucas exits the lounge. He closes the door to the lounge and locks it. Ore comes up behind him and puts a hand on his shoulder. Lucas yells in fright. ORE:Where's the key? LUCAS:In my pocket. HIIRO:Not that key; the key to the cupboard with the weapons! LUCAS:Do you still wish me to throw it away? ALL:Yes!! Lucas runs to the front door, takes the key from his pocket and throws out. It lands on the cement and bounce into the foliage. Lucas closes the door. LUCAS:Well. What now? SIM:(holding her hand out)Lucas, let me out. LUCAS:No. SIM:Why not? LUCAS:We've got to know who did it. We're all in this together, now. MIKA:If you leave, I'll say that you killed them both. General agreement among the guests. Sim rubs against Lucas. SIM:Oh, Lucas, I'll make you sorry you ever started this. One day, when we're alone together . . . LUCAS:Sim,no man in his right mind would be alone together with you. ORE:Well, I could use a drink! General agreement again. Ore goes to the study and looks in. ORE:Just checking. MIKA:Everything all right? ORE:Yup. Two corpses. Everything's fine. Ore is pouring himself a tall glass of whiskey. ORE:Anybody else want a whiskey? TRINITY:Yeah. Ore fills three other glasses at once, spilling the drink over the table. ORE:All right, look. Pay attention, everybody. (to LUCAS)Lucas, am I right in thinking there is nobody else in this house? LUCAS:Mmm, no. ORE:Then there IS someone else in this house? LUCAS:No, sorry. I said "no," meaning "yes." ORE:"'No,' meaning 'yes'"? Look, I want a straight answer. Is there someone else or isn't there, yes or no? LUCAS:Um, no. ORE:"No," there IS, or "no," there ISN'T? LUCAS:Yes. Sim breaks her glass against the fireplace. SIM:(exasperated)Please!! Don't you think we should get that Puff out of the house before he finds out what's been going on here? She tosses the remains of her glass into the air. It shatters on the hearth. TRINITY:Yeah! HIIRO:How can we throw him outside in this weather? TRINITY:If we let him stay in the house, he may get suspicious. HIIRO:If we throw him out, he may get even more suspicious. ORE:If I were him, I'd be suspicious already. MIKA:(at wit's end)Oh, who cares?! That guy doesn't matter! Let him stay, locked up for another half an hour! The police will be here by then, and there are two dead bodies in the study!! ALL:Shhhh! ORE:Well, there is still some confusion as to whether or not there's anybody else in this house. LUCAS:I told you, there isn't. ORE:There isn't any confusion, or there isn't anybody else. LUCAS:Either. Or both. ORE:Just give me a clear answer! LUCAS:Certainly!(pause)What was the question? ORE:Is there anybody else in the house?! ALL:No!! ORE:That's what he says, but does he know? I suggest we handle this in proper military fashion. We split up, and search the house. MIKA:Split up! ORE:Yes. We have very little time left, so we'll split up into pairs. HIIRO:Pairs? ORE:Yes. HIIRO:Wait a minute. Suppose that one of us IS the murderer? If we split up into pairs, whichever one is left with the killer might get killed! ORE:Then we would have discovered who the murderer is! MIKA:But the other half of the pair would be dead! ORE:This is war, Mika! Casualties are inevitable. You cannot without breaking eggs--every cook will tell you that. MIKA:But look what happened to the cook!(pointing at Ashita) KEBO:Ore, are you willing to take that chance? ORE:What choice have we? TRINITY:None. KEBO:I suppose you're right. KITTY:Bon decor. But it is dark upstairs, and I am frightened of ze dark. Will anyone go wiz me? HIIRO:I will. ORE:I will. KEBO:No, thank you. LUCAS:I suggest we all draw lots, for partners. He takes long matchsticks from near the fireplace. *************************************************************************** In the kitchen Lucas is using a knife to cut the long matchsticks into different lengths. He prepares them in his hand so the matchs' lengths can't be seen. LUCAS:Ready? The two shortest together, the next two shortest together. Agreed? And I suggest the two shortest search the cellar, and so on, up. The guests approach the butler. Ore picks a matchstick. It's relatively short. Mika picks hers. Ore and Mika compare. His is longer. Trinity picks her matchstick with a jerk. Kebo reaches over Trinity's shoulder and gets his matchstick. It is one of the uncut sticks. Ore and Kebo compare. It's not even close. Kitty selects her stick. It's another long one. Ore and Trinity compare. They match, putting them together on the ground floor. Trinity looks disgusted. Sim selects hers. In the background, the party tries to match sticks. Hiiro picks his matchstick. Lucas takes what is left Sim steps up to Lucas and pairs his matchstick. They're going to the second floor. Hiiro walks by Kitty and a distraught Kebo, who are going to the attic together. Hiiro matches cellar matchsticks with Mika. HIIRO:It's you and me, honey bunch. MIKA:Oh, God . . . *************************************************************************** The group heads to the hall. We see the party as it splits up. Lucas and Sim start up the stairs,as do Kebo and Kitty. Hiiro and Mika stop, unsure of where to go. Lucas pauses on a step and indicates the door under the staircase. LUCAS:The cellar. Ore and Trinity stop in the middle of the Hall. ORE:Well, we know what's in the study, we've just come from the library, and the stranger's locked up in the lounge-- TRINITY:Let's go look in the billiard room again. They go to the Billiard Room. Hiiro opens the door to the cellar. Mika reaches in and turns on the light. They enter cautiously. The storm is still around the Capsle Corp, visible from a second-story window. Lucas and Sim walk down the hallway as Kebo and Kitty start climbing the stairs to the attic. We hear thunder and rain. *************************************************************************** In the attic there is complete darkness. Suddenly, a light turns on. Kebo and Kitty, are at the bottom of the attic staircase. Both of them are terrified of what may be above them. KEBO:Do you want to go up in front of me? KITTY:Absolutely no. KEBO:I'm sure there's no one up there. KITTY:Zen you go een fron. KEBO:All right . . . Neither move. *************************************************************************** In the cellar you can barely see Mika and Hiiro backlit, at the top of the stairs. They edge down. Mika gasps. HIIRO:Well . . . Ladies first. MIKA:No, no. You can go first. HIIRO:No, no, no, I insist. MIKA:No, I insist. HIIRO:Well, what are you afraid of, a fate worse than death? MIKA:No, just death. Isn't that enough? *************************************************************************** In the second floor hallway Sim and Lucas are at the doors of two adjacent rooms. They are looking at each other nervously. LUCAS:Are you going in there? SIM:Yes, are you? LUCAS:Yes. Pause. LUCAS:Right! SIM:Right. They look in. LUCAS:Um, I don't see any light switches in there. SIM:Well, neither do I, but there must be switches somewhere. LUCAS:Shall I come in with you? SIM:No!(recovers)I mean . . . no, thank you. They start into their rooms and then jump out simultaneously, looking for the other. *************************************************************************** In the billiard room Ore and Trinity are in back of the corner bar. They're stooping to look in. They stand and Ore indicates the bar's narrow egress. ORE:Ladies first. TRINITY:No, thanks. They both head for the exit, and they have to squeeze through--it's a very tight fit. Ore walks past Trinity, who is sure to keep him in sight. He grabs a pool cue from the wall. She gives a little gasp. Ore walks over to the pool table and motions with the stick to look under it. They do. There's nothing there. *************************************************************************** Back in the attic, Kebo and Kitty are still where they were; at the bottom of the steps. KITTY:Go'n. I be right behind you. KEBO:That's why I'm nervous. KITTY:Zen we go togezer. The two squeeze up the narrow steps. *************************************************************************** Mika and Hiiro are still inching down the stairs. Mika turns on the lights as Hiiro slips on a step. This frightens Mika, who runs down the remaining few steps. MIKA:Stay there! *************************************************************************** Ore and Trinity have now gone to the hall foyer. They throw open the closet door. Nothing there. *************************************************************************** Lucas is wandering in the dark. LUCAS:(nervously)If there's anybody in here, just look out! Sim is wandering in the pther bedroom, like Lucas. SIM:(nervously)Are you hiding? I'm coming . . . *************************************************************************** ORE:What room's this? TRINITY:Search me. ORE:All right. He starts to frisk her. TRINITY:(threateningly)Get your mitts off me. He does then flips on the lights, making Trinity gasp. ORE:Nobody here. TRINITY:He's behind one of those curtains . . . ? She points to the curtains at the far end of the Ball room. ORE:You look. I'll go search the kitchen. Ore leaves. Trin sighs. She starts to walk--slowly--toward the curtains. The curtains almost seem to be moving, but it just could be her imagination. Then--there is definite movement off to the right. She stops in her tracks, trying to scream but unable to. She continues cautiously. Trin reaches the curtains, pauses . . .and throws them back, revealing . . . A broken window with wind blowing in. *************************************************************************** On the side of the road it is still raining. Mr. Puff's car is there. Shinigami's cop car pulls up to investigate. *************************************************************************** Back in the study photographs and papers, as well as the tapes of the conversation Kitty was making earlier are picked up by a gloved hand. The hand throws the photos and papers into the fire. Then the tape goes in. It all burns. The hand now uses a key to unlock the cupboard with the weapons. But wasn't that key thrown away? The weapons are revealed. *************************************************************************** The Puff is making his phone call in the lounge. PUFF:I'm a little nervous . . .I'm in this big house, and I've been locked into the lounge.(pauses)Yes. The next statements are intercut with the wrench approaching Mr. Puff. PUFF:The funny thing is, there's a whole group of people here having some sort of party. And one of them is my old boss from-- The wrench descends. The phone falls to the floor, then Mr. Puff follows suit. A gloved hand places the phone back on its cradle. *************************************************************************** In the conservatory Ore and Tinity stand in the doorway. Rain can still be heard, but no lightning. Ore switches on the lights. The two look around. Trinity walks to the outer wall of windows. Rain pours down them. Ore walks to one side and picks up something. He then takes a rag and wipes his hands off. While doing so, he leans against the wall, and it swings open! He falls down, but quickly gets up. ORE:Looks like a secret passage. TRINITY:Should we see where it leads? ORE:What the hell. I'll go first--I've had a good life. The secret passage is narrow, and the floor is uneven. Trinity trips and yells in surprise. TRINITY:Oh, God. ORE:It's all right. They emerge from behind the still-rotated fireplace into the lounge. They see the Puff's corpse. TRINITY:Oh, my God! The fireplace slides shut behind them. Trin panics--she starts yelling. Everyone in the house can hear her. Trin and Ore run to the double doors. They're locked. Now both are yelling. Lucas and Kebo run down the stairs followed by Kitty and Sim. LUCAS:Where's it coming from? KEBO:Where are we going? They make it to the ground floor just as Hiiro and Mika emerge from the cellar. SIM:Where are they? LUCAS:The lounge! He tries the door. It's locked. HIIRO:The door's locked! KEBO:(impatiently)I know . . . HIIRO:Then unlock it! KEBO:Where's the key? Lucas searches his pockets. LUCAS:The key is gone!! HIIRO:Never mind about the key! Unlock the door! Kebo grabs Hiiro and begins to shake him. KEBO:I can't unlock the door without the key! He releases Hiiro and bangs on the door. KEBO:Let us in! Let us in! TRINITY and ORE:Let us out! Let us out! LUCAS:It's no good. Stand back. He backs up all the way across the hall to the study door. LUCAS:There's no alternative. I'm just going to have to break it down! The butler runs at full speed for the door. He hits it and falls to the floor, holding his shoulder. Kitty gets an idea. KITTY:I know! I have eet! MIKA:(at Trin and Ore)Will you shut up? . . . Kitty grabs the revolver from the open cupboard in the study. MIKA: . . . We're doing our best! Kitty runs out of the study and trips over the still-sprawled Lucas. The shot goes wild, hitting the chandelier rope. Kebo and Hiiro hit the deck. The chandelier stars spinning. Mika and Sim run into each other. Ore and Trin are crouched down. ORE:They're shooting at us . . . Panic continues. The chandelier continues to spin, and the rope is fraying, unbeknownst to the party. Kitty stands and aims at the Lounge lock. Hiiro and Kebo, who had started to get up, hit the floor again. Kitty fires twice. Both shots hit the door lock. Ore turns away from the door, holding his shoulder. ORE:I've been shot . . .I've been shot! KITTY:Come out! The door eez open! She lowers the gun, so it is carelessly pointing in the direction of Hiiro and Kebo. They scramble out of the way. The lounge door opens and a ( miraculously unwounded)Ore and Trin emerge. ORE:(angrily, to Kitty)Why are you shooting that thing at us? KITTY:To get joo out. He shoves her. ORE:You know, you could have killed us! I could've been killed! The chandelier is spinning ever more quickly. The rope is almost completely frayed. ORE:I can't take any more scares. The rope snaps. The chandelier lands three feet in back of Ore. *************************************************************************** TRINITY:(pointing into the lounge at Puff's body, almost hysterical)Look! The party runs across the room, crushing glass as they go. MIKA:(accusatory)Which one of you did it? TRINITY:We found him! Together! SIM:How did you get in? KEBO:The door was locked. SIM:It's a great trick! TRINITY:There's a secret passageway from the conservatory. HIIRO:(to Kitty)Is that the same gun? MIKA:From the cupboard? HIIRO:But it was locked! KITTY:No, eet was oonlocked! KEBO, HIIRO, and LUCAS:Unlocked? KITTY:But, yes. See for yourself! The party runs into the lounge. On the way, Kitty tosses the revolver under the broken chandelier. The guests pile into the study and see that the cupboard has indeed been opened. MIKA:How did you know it was unlocked? How did you know that you could get at the gun? KITTY:I didn't. I sink--I would bray kit open bud it was open alreddy. MIKA:A likely story. The doorbell rings. The guests freezing in place. TRINITY:Maybe they'll just go away. The doorbell rings again. The guests, quite disappointed. KEBO:I'm going to open it. TRINITY:Why?! KEBO:I have nothing to hide! I didn't do it! (holding his hand out to Lucas) The key. Lucas hands the key to Kebo. KEBO:Thank you . . . He strides into the hall, followed by the rest of the party. Kebo opens the door, revealing Shinigami. SHINIGAMI:Good evening, sir. The door closes in the Shinigami's face. The door reopens. KEBO:Yes? SHINIGAMI:I found an abandoned car down near the gates of this house. Did the driver come in here for any help, by any chance? Everyone but Kebo insists that that was not the case. KEBO:Well, actually, yes. ALL but KEBO:No. SHINIGAMI:There seems to be some kind of disagreement. Everyone but Kebo again disagrees. KEBO:Yes. SHINIGAMI:(quite confused now)Uh, can I come in and use your phone? Lucas steps to the front door. LUCAS:Of course you may, sir. You may use the one in the, um, no . . . Uh, you could use the one in the st-- no . . .Would you be kind enough to wait in the um, in the, em, library? SHINIGAMI:(very confused)Sure. He comes in and sees Kitty. SHINIGAMI:(to Kitty)Don't I know you from someplace? The maid shrugs. SHINIGAMI:(to group)You all seem to be very anxious about something. LUCAS:It's the chandelier. It fell down. Almost killed us. Would you like to come this way, please, sir? Trinity closes the door to the study suddenly and attempts to look nonchalant. Shinigami whirls at the sound. Hiiro does the same to the lounge door. Shinigami whirls again. LUCAS:Frightfully drafty, these old houses. Lucas leads Shinigami into the library and indicates the phone. LUCAS:Please help yourself to a drink, if you'd like. Shinigami reaches for the cognac. LUCAS:Not the cognac. Just in case. The butler exists and closes the door. SHINIGAMI:Just in case of what? *************************************************************************** Lucas locks the door and turns to the assembled guests. LUCAS:(whispering)What now? KEBO:We should have told him. MIKA:Oh, very well for you to say that now. KEBO:(defensively)I said it then! ALL:Oh, shut up! LUCAS:(indicating the shattered chandelier)Let's clean this up. *************************************************************************** Shinigami pauses at the door, then walks over to the phone. He reaches for it, but it rings before he picks it up. He answers the phone. SHINI:Hello? All in the hall are still. LUCAS:Maybe Shinigami answered it . . . SHINI:And who shall I say is calling?(pauses)Ah . . . will you hold on, please? Shinigami strides over to the library doors. SHINI:Let me out of here! Let me out of here, you have no right to shut me in! I'll book you for false arrest, and wrongful imprisonment, and obstructing an officer in the course of his duty! And murder! The door opens. The party stands there, Lucas with broom in hand. LUCAS:What do you mean . . . "murder"? SHINI:I just said it so you'd open the door. The guests sigh and laugh nervously. SHINI:What's going on around here? And why would you lock me in? And why are you receiving phone calls from Pheonix? LUCAS:Pheonix? SHINI:That's right. The head of the Federal Bureau of Investigation. ORE:Why is Pheonix on your phone? LUCAS:I don't know. He's on everybody else's, why shouldn't he be on mine? (steps to the library door)Excuse me. Lucas enters, then closes and locks the door. SHINI:What's going on here? Trin drapes herself on him. TRINITY:We're having a . . . party . . . The guests laugh even more nervously than before. SHINI:Mind if I look around? TRINITY:Sure . . .You can show him around, Kebo! KEBO:Me? TRINITY:Yes! Uh, you can show him the . . .dining room . . . the kitchen . . . the ball room . . . KEBO:(stiffly)Fine . . .Fine . . . . Shini, um, come with me. I'll show you the . . . dining room . . .or the kitchen . . . or the ball room . . . In the dining room Shinigami raises the metal partition and looks into the kitchen. KEBO:So! This is the dining room. SHINI:No kidding. What's going on in those two rooms? KEBO:Uh . . . which two rooms? Shinigami pushes past him and enters the hall. A couple of guests run frantically across the Hall. Just as they leave the room, Shinigami enters and points at the lounge and the study. SHINI:Those two roo KEBO:Oh . . . those two rooms . . . SHINI:Yes! Kebo is at a loss. Shinigami strides toward the study door. Kebo blocks Shinigami's path. KEBO:I don't think you should go in there. SHINI:Why not? KEBO:Uh . . . Shinigami dodges around Kebo. KEBO:Because it's . . . all too shocking! Shinigami throws Kebo aside and enters. Music can be heard in the background. It's "Life Could Be a Dream," on a record player. Sim is on a couch on top of Justice, using her hand to move his arm against her and pretending to kiss him. Shinigami sees Ore and a woman: apparently kissing against the far wall, in a curtain. Actually, Mika is behind the curtain. Her hands are on Ore's back, Ashita is propped up between them. SHINI:(to KEBO)It's not all that shocking. These folks are just having a good time. Shinigami leaves to the hall. Kebo is surprised. *************************************************************************** In the lounge Trin pours a drink into Puff's mouth. Puff is propped up in a chair, drink in hand. The music can still be heard, but faintly. Just before Shinigami enters, Hiiro takes Trin on to the couch and begins kissing her. She has no choice but to follow his example. Shinigami comes in. SHINI:Excuse me? The two "lovers" get up with a start. Shinigami notices the Puff. He leans into the dead Puff's face and sniffs. SHINI:(to HIIRO and TRINITY)He's drunk. Dead drunk. TRINITY:Dead right . . . SHINI:(louder, to Puff)You're not going to drive home, are you? HIIRO:He won't be driving home, I promise you that! TRINITY:Yeah . . . SHINI:Somebody will give him a lift, huh? TRINITY:Oh, we'll . . . we'll . . . get him a car. HIIRO:A long black car. TRINITY:(quickly)A limousine. Hiiro again lowers Trin to the couch. She gives off a little cry of surprise. *************************************************************************** Lucas exits the library. He leans against the door and sighs in thought. Shinigami and Kebo enter the Hall. Lucas throws off his thoughts and walks to them. LUCAS:Shini! SHINI:You're too late--I've seen it all. All during this conversation, Kebo is standing behind Shinigami, looking at Lucas. Kebo looks mystified, but relieved. LUCAS:You have?(pause)I can explain everything. SHINI:You don't have to. LUCAS:I don't? SHINI:Don't worry! There's nothing illegal about any of this. LUCAS:(confused)Are you sure? SHINI:Of course! This is America. LUCAS:I see . . . SHINI:(clapping Lucas on the shoulder)It's a free country, don't you know that? LUCAS:(still doesn't understand)I didn't know it was THAT free. Shinigami glances back at Kebo, who tries to look innocent. SHINI:(to Lucas)May I use your phone now? LUCAS:Certainly! The butler leads Shinigami to the library once again, and locks it. The guests start to emerge into the Hall. KEBO:Why did you lock him in again? LUCAS:(whispering)We haven't finished searching the house, yet. HIIRO:(whispering)Well, we're running out of time. Only fifteen minutes before the police come. KEBO:(whispering fiercely)The police already came! ALL:(whispering fiercely)Shut up!! LUCAS:Let's get on with it! KITTY:(to Kebo)Monsieur? The guests again split up to search the house as the music continues. *************************************************************************** Ore and Trinity enter the kitchen. Ore suddenly opens a door, only to have an ironing board hit him in the head. Trinity opens the door to the freezer. She grasps one of the meathooks. It turns in her grip and reveals another secret passage in the back of the freezer. She gives a cry of surprise. TRINITY:Look! I can't believe it. I wonder where this one goes. ORE:Well, let's find out. They step in. Ore and Trinity swing aside a large painting and enter the study from the secret passage. They shrug. ORE:Let's try the ball room again. *************************************************************************** Kebo and Kitty are still poking around in the attic. Meanwhile a gloved hand pulling a lever down at the top of the sellar stairs. All electricity is shut off. The lights go out instantly, and the music stops. Mika, down in the sellar, backs up into the boiler. She thinks it's a person, perhaps Hiiro, and starts to hit it with her handbag. MIKA:Ahh! Don't you touch me! Kitty is descending to the first floor quietly. Sim's scream can be heard. In the library, Shinigami is on the phone. SHINI:Hello? Hello? Meanwhile in the billiard room, Kitty enters quietly. VOICE:Shut the door. Did anyone recognize you? Suddenly, Kitty's French accent is gone. KITTY:They must have. And not just my face. They know every inch of my body. And they're not the only ones . . . A noose flies onto Kitty's neck! KITTY:(gasping)It's you! *************************************************************************** Shinigami is still on the phone. SHINI:(whispering into phone)There's something funny going on around here. I don't know what it is . . .No, I'm not on duty. But I have a feeling that I'm in danger. You know that big, ugly house on top-- The lead pipe comes down softly on the phone cradle, cutting the connection off. SHINI:Hello? Hello? Are you there? *************************************************************************** The doorbell is ringing. The front door opens. Lex is outside. She is dressed in a uniform, and strikes a pose as the door opens. LEX:(singing)I . . . am . . . your singing telegram-- The gun fires. She falls to the ground. The door slams shut. Sim starts to scream somewhere in the house. Lucas can hear her wherever he is. LUCAS:(yelling)Shouting! I'm coming! I'm just trying to find the door! Lucas enters another part of the Master bedroom. LUCAS:Coming . . . He grasps a handle. LUCAS:What's this? I'm at the door? He twists the handle, starting the shower. He is promptly very wet. *************************************************************************** A very wet Lucas sloshes down the steps. He goes to the entrance to the cellar and pulls up the lever, restoring electricity to the Capsle Corp. The party (minus Kitty) slowly reassembles in the Hall. They then look in the billiard room. There Kitty's corpse is sprawled on the pool table, still with the noose on her neck, and they walk off back to the hall. Next they find Shinigami. KEBO:Two murders. Hiiro enters the library and picks up the lead pipe. HIIRO:Neither of them shot. I thought I heard a gun. SIM:I did. MIKA:So did I. TRINITY:I thought I heard the front door slam! ORE:Oh, God . . .The murderer must have run out. The guests run toward the front door. They open the door, seeing the singing telegram girl's body. It has a bullet hole neatly through the forehead. LUCAS:Three murders. KEBO:Six, all together. LUCAS:This is getting serious. They close the door and lock it. The guests walk onto the main floor. LUCAS:No gun. Kitty dropped it here. (declaring)Very well . . . I know who did it. ALL:(incredulously)You do? LUCAS:And furthermore, I'm going to tell you how it was all done. Follow me. He walks to the library. The guests follow. Lucas addresses the assembled guests. LUCAS:In order to help you understand what happened, I shall need to take you through the events of the evening, step by step. At the start of the evening, Kitty was here, by herself, waiting to offer you all a glass of champagne. I was in the Hall.(pauses)I know, because I was there. Then, I hurried across to the kitchen. He waves for the guests to follow him. Lucas is running into the kitchen, the guests following. LUCAS:And Ashita was in here, alive, sharpening knives, preparing for dinner. And then . . . He runs back to the hall. Lucas springs up to the front door, the guests following closely. He proceeds to act out events. LUCAS:And the doorbell rang . . .(to Ore)And it was you! ORE:Yes . . . LUCAS:(breathlessly)I asked you for your coat, and I recognized you as Ore and I prevented you from telling your real name because I didn't want any of you to use any name other than your pseudonym and I introduced myself to you as a butler and I ran across the Hall to the library! He does so, with the confused guests in tow. Lucas imitates everything he describes. LUCAS:And then Kitty met you . . . and smiled . . .(he smiles) . . . and poured you a drink. He runs for the Hall. Lucas heads for the front door. LUCAS:(still breathless)And the doorbell rang! And it was Sim, looking pale and tragic, and I took her coat, and made off! They head for the library again. LUCAS:And I introduced to Ore. (imitating them)Hello. Hello. And I noticed that Sim and Kitty . . . flinched! Then . . . there was a rumble of thunder, and a crash of lightning. He demonstrates. LUCAS:And, to make a long story short-- ALL:Too late. LUCAS:--one by one, you all arrived. He then runs back to the hall. Lucas grabs the gong mallet. LUCAS:And then the gong was struck by Ashita! He does so. LUCAS:And we went into the dining room! They all do so. Lucas goes around the table, indicating chairs. LUCAS:(breathless)And Mika sat here, and Professor HIIRO sat here . . . (acts as if slurping soup)and Sim sat here . . .(imitates them slurping soup)and Kebo, Trinity, Colonel Ore. This chair (indicates the head) was vacant. Anyway, we all revealed we'd all received a letter.(points at various chairs)And you'd had a letter, and you'd had a letter, and you'd had a letter-- ALL:Get on with it!! LUCAS:The point is--blackmail! KEBO:But all this came out after dinner--in the study! LUCAS:You're right! The party runs across the Hall to the study. The butler rushes around the room, pointing at different locations. LUCAS:Kebo stood here, and Mika here, and Trinity here, and Hiiro here, and Ore, and Sim, and-- ALL:Get on with it!!! LUCAS:I'm getting there, I'm getting there!! And Justice went to get his surprise packages from the Hall. And you all opened your presents,(he shuts the door)And Justice switched out the lights! Lucas then turns off the lights. There's a pause. Everyone screams. The lights are flipped back on. Lucas is lying on the floor, and the guests, tired of all this, react with disgust. The butler opens his eyes. LUCAS:Justice lay on the floor, apparently dead. HIIRO:He was dead! I examined him! LUCAS:Then why was he bashed on the head a few minutes later with a candlestick if he was dead already? HIIRO:All right, I made a mistake! LUCAS:Right! But if so, why was Justice pretending to be dead?(more quietly) It could only be because he realized his scheme had misfired, and the gunshot was intended to kill him, not me. Look. (points at blood on one of Justice's ear lobes)The bullet grazed his ear. Clearly his best way of escaping death was to pretend to be dead already. HIIRO:So whoever grabbed the gun from me in the dark was trying to kill HIM! LUCAS:But remember what happened next. He goes to the door and picks up the glass from a table. LUCAS:Mika took a drink.(points at Hiiro)You said, "Maybe it's poisoned!" She screams! Lucas screams in falsetto. He takes Mika, who helpfully(?) starts to scream. The butler sits her down on the couch. LUCAS:Kebo . . .(Lucas slaps Mika)(he imitates Kebo)Well . . . I had to stop her screaming . . .(back to himself)Then--more screaming--Kitty--the billiard room! We all rushed out! As they do now. Lucas sits on the pool table. The guests pool around the door. LUCAS:But one of us . . . wasn't here.(nasally accent)No. ALL:(imitating him)No? LUCAS:(responding in kind)No. Maybe one of us was murdering Ashita. Who wasn't here with us? The guests pause. KEBO:Do you know? LUCAS:(with certainty)I do.(continues at his breathless rate)While we stood here, trying to stop Kitty from panicking . . . He leaves and goes to the study. LUCAS: . . . one of us could have stayed in the study, picked up the dagger . . .(he does so and runs to the kitchen) . . . run down the Hall . . .and stabbed Ashita. He plunges the dagger into a chicken as the guests arrive at the door. MIKA:Oh, how could he risk it? We might have seen him running back. Lucas goes over to the freezer and pushes open the back of the freezer, exposing the kitchen/study secret passage. LUCAS:Not if they used this secret passage. Mika gasps. LUCAS:And the murderer ran back down the secret passage to the study. Lucas leaves the kitchen for the Hall. The butler is going for the study. SIM:(yelling)Is that where it comes out? LUCAS:(yelling back)Yes! Look! Lucas pushes open the picture. KEBO:Wha--? ORE:How did you know? LUCAS:This house belongs to a friend of mine. I've known all along. KEBO:So you could be the murderer. LUCAS:(laughing)Don't be ridiculous. If I was the murderer, why would I reveal to you how I did it? The guests nod. KEBO:Well . . . who else knew about the secret passage? TRINITY:(hits Ore)We found it. Ore and me. ORE:You found it. You could have known about it all the time. TRINITY:But I didn't! MIKA:Well, why should we believe you? LUCAS:Because she was with us all in the billiard room doorway while Kitty was screaming, don't you remember? MIKA:What I don't understand is, why was Ashita murdered? She had nothing to do with Justice. LUCAS:Of course she did. (conspiratorially)I gathered you all here together because you were all implicated in Justice's dastardly blackmail. Did none of you deduce that the others were involved, too? Evidently no one had. SIM:What others? LUCAS:Ashita. And Kitty? ALL:No! LUCAS:That's how he got all his information. Before he could blackmail anyone, Justice had to discover their guilty secret. Ashita and Kitty were his accomplices! ORE:(brightly)I see! So . . . whoever knew . . . that the Ashita was involved . . . killed her? LUCAS:Yes. Ore looks very happy. LUCAS:I know, because I was Justice's butler, that Ashita had worked for one of you. The guests ask who it was. LUCAS:(to Sim)You recognized Kitty, didn't you? Don't deny it. SIM:What do you mean, "don't deny it"? I'm not denying anything. LUCAS:Another denial! Sim sticks her tongue out at Lucas. SIM:All right, it's true. I knew Kitty. My husband had an affair with her, but I didn't care. I wasn't . . . jealous. LUCAS:(to Trinity)You knew Kitty, too, didn't you? TRINITY:Yes. She worked for me. LUCAS:(to Ore)And you also knew her, sir. We've already established that you were one of Trinity's . . .clients. That's why you were so desperate to get your hands on those negatives. Photographs of you and Kitty in flagrante delicto, remember? ORE:Justice threatened to send those pictures to my dear old mother. The shock would have killed her! SIM:Ha. That would have been quite an achievement since you told us that she's dead already.(to Lucas)So, he had the motive. LUCAS:You all had a motive. ORE:But where and when was Justice killed? LUCAS:Don't you see? (he grabs Kebo)Look, we came back to the study with Kitty. Justice was on the floor . . .(Lucas trips Kebo to the floor as Justice) . . . pretending to be dead. But one of us noticed he's alive. So. I explained that I was Justice's butler, and I'd invited you here, and we realized there was only one other person in the house. ALL:Ashita! Lucas leaves the guests far behind. Everyone runs up the Hall to the kitchen. The guests enter, breathless. Kebo runs to the freezer, just like he did before. But there's no Lucas. KEBO:Well, where is he? The freezer door opens. Trin screams. Lucas, looking quite dead, falls into Kebo's arms. The exasperated Kebo drops the butler on the floor. Lucas opens his eyes. LUCAS:By now, she was dead. We laid her down with our backs to the freezer. One of us slipped through the same secret passage-- MIKA:Again . . . ? LUCAS:Of course! Back to the study! They all run out, back to the study. Lucas acts as if he had just entered the study from the secret passage. LUCAS:The murderer was in the secret passage. Meanwhile, Justice . . . (Lucas again throws Kebo to the floor) . . . had been on the floor. He jumped up . . .(the butler picks up Kebo, then lets him fall again) . . . the murderer came out of the secret panel, picked up the candlestick . . . The butler acts as if he had a candlestick. He goes after Kebo, who may not be acting his look of panic. Lucas is pursuing a frightened Kebo up the hall, toward the bathroom. LUCAS:Justice followed us out of the study into the Hall, looking for an escape. The murderer crept up behind him and . . . killed him!! Lucas brings his hand down upon Kebo's head. Kebo falls. KEBO:Will you stop that!! LUCAS:No. The butler grabs Kebo and proceeds to the bathroom. LUCAS:Then . . . he threw him into the toilet! KEBO:No . . . ! Lucas leans against the bathroom door frame, pretending to check a watch. LUCAS:And nonchalantly rejoined us beside Ashita's body in the kitchen. It took less than half a minute. ORE:So who wasn't there the entire time in the kitchen? LUCAS:Whoever it was, is the murderer! He runs off. The bathroom door opens and Kebo emerges, drying his hands. We can hear a toilet flush. He hands the towel to Ore. Lucas runs in the study. LUCAS:And we put the weapons in the cupboard, locked it, and ran to the front door . . . He runs out, almost colliding with the just-arrived guests. Lucas opens the front door and makes as if throwing the key away. LUCAS:To throw away the key!(pauses)The Puff! I didn't throw the key away-- I put it in my pocket. And someone could have taken it out of my pocket and substituted another! HIIRO:We were all in a huddle. Any one of us could have done that! LUCAS:Precisely. He slams the front door. KEBO:Wait a minute . . .Ore has a top-secret Pentagon job. Sim's husband is a nuclear physicist, and . . .(runs to the billiard room and points in) . . . Kitty is a link between them. HIIRO:(to Ore)What is your top-secret job, Ore? LUCAS:I can tell you. He's working on the secret of the next fusion bomb. Sim gasps. ORE:How did you know that? LUCAS:(to Ore)Can you keep a secret? ORE:(leaning in)Yes. LUCAS:So can I. MIKA:Is this a plot between them, Lucas, or did Ore do it alone? LUCAS:We shall see. Let's look at the other murders. HIIRO:Yes. Bad luck that Mr. Puff arrived at that moment. LUCAS:(amusedly)It wasn't luck--I invited him. SIM, TRINITY, and Mika:You did?! LUCAS:Of course. It's obvious. Everyone here tonight was either Justice's victim or accomplice. Everyone who has died gave him vital information about one of you. I got them here so they'd give evidence against him and force him to confess. TRINITY:Oh, yeah? What about that Puff? What kind of information did he have? ORE:(almost teary)He was my driver during the war. Ore sits in a chair. LUCAS:And what was he holding over you? ORE:He knew that I was a war profiteer.(pauses)(continues, painfully)I stole essential Air Force radio parts, and I sold them on the black market. That is how I made all my money. But that does not make me a murderer! MIKA:Well, a lot of our airmen died because their radios didn't work! Was Shini working for Justice, too? TRINITY:Shinigami was from Tokyo. He was on my payroll. I bribed him once a week so I could carry on with business. Justice found out somehow . . . MIKA:(revolted)Oh, my God . . . TRINITY:(annoyed)Oh, please. KEBO:And . . . Lex? The people open the door and look at the Lex's corpse. HIIRO:(quietly)She was my patient once. I had an affair with her. That's how I lost my license. Justice found that out, too. (solemn pause) LUCAS:Well . . .(claps hands together)Let's put her in the study with the others. **************************************************************************** The men drop Lex's body on the floor. LUCAS:So. Now you all know why they died. Whoever killed Justice also wanted his accomplices dead. HIIRO:How did the murderer know about them all? I mean, I admit that I had guessed that Lex informed on me to Justice . . . but I didn't know anything about any of you until this evening. LUCAS:First, the murder needed to get the weapons. Easy. He stole the key from my pocket. And then we all followed Ore's suggestion that we split up and search the house. MIKA:That's right, it was Ore's suggestion! Ore cannot meet their eyes. LUCAS:And one of us got away from his or her partner and hurried to the study. On the desk was the envelope from Justice. It contained photographs and letters--the evidence of Justice's network of informants. SIM:Where is the envelope now? LUCAS:Gone. Destroyed.(looks around, then steps to the fireplace) Perhaps in the fire . . . .(throws aside the grate)The only possible place. (pulls out the remnants of the tape made earlier)Ah hah! Then, having found out the whole story, the murderer went to the cupboard, unlocked it with the key, took out the wrench-- TRINITY:(breathless)Then we found the secret passage from the conservatory to the lounge . . . where we found Puff dead! They go to the hall. Lucas frantically acts out the next scene. LUCAS:That's right! And we couldn't get in. So Kitty ran to the open cupboard, and shot the door open. BANG! And then, the doorbell rang! The doorbell rings. Everyone freezes in terror. MIKA:Oh, whoever it is, they gotta go away, or they'll be killed! Ohhh! Mika opens the front door. A rather ELDERLY EVANGELIST, actually Pheonix stands outside, pamphlets in hand. PHEONIX:(kindly)Good evening. Have you ever given any thought to the kingdom of heaven? MIKA:(stunned)What? PHEONIX:Repent. The kingdom of heaven IS at hand. TRINITY:You ain't just whistlin' Dixie. EVANGELIST:Armageddon is almost upon us. HIIRO:I got news for you--it's already here! Mika tries to shut the door on him. MIKA:Go away! PHEONIX:But your souls are in danger! MIKA:Our lives our in danger, you beatnik! She shuts the door on him, closing several of his pamphlets inside. LUCAS:(continuing as if nothing had happened)Shinigami arrived next, we locked him in the library. We forgot the cupboard with the weapons was now unlocked, then we split up again, and the murderer switched off the electricity! He does so. Everything goes black. KEBO:Oh, my God. Sim squeals. MIKA:Not again. TRINITY:(very annoyed)Turn on the lights!!! Lucas turns on the lights. LUCAS:Sorry. Didn't mean to frighten you. KEBO:To late! MIKA:So who killed Ashita? LUCAS:You did! Lucas takes them all to the dining room. The guests stay around the door from the Hall. LUCAS:You made one fatal mistake! He sits in the spot Mika occupied during dinner. LUCAS:Sitting here, at dinner, Mika told us that she was eating one of her favorite recipes.(he stands slowly)And monkey's brains, though popular in Cantonese cuisine, are not often to be found in Tokyo. KEBO:That's what we ate?(he looks like he's going to puke) The party reenters the Hall from the dining room. LUCAS:Ore, when we saw Mr. Puff at the front door . . .you took the key to the weapons cupboard out of my pocket. Then you suggested that we all split up. You separated from Trin, crossed the Hall, opened the cupboard, took the wrench, ran to the conservatory, entered the lounge through the secret passage, killed the Puff with a blow on the head. SIM:(to LUCAS)This is incredible! LUCAS:Not so incredible as what happened next! He starts up the stairs. LUCAS:After we all split up again,I went upstairs with you, yes, you, Sim! The butler stops on the landing. LUCAS:And, while I was in the master bedroom . . .You hurried downstairs and turned off the electricity, got the rope from the open cupboard, and throttled Kitty. You WERE jealous that your husband was schtuping Kitty. That's why you killed him, too! SIM:(detached)Yes . . .(pause)Yes, I did it. I killed Kitty. I hated her . . . so . . . much . . .I-It-It--flame--flames . . . on the side of my face . . .breathing . . . breathle--heaving breaths . . .heaving-- LUCAS:(cutting her off)While you were in the billiard room, Trin seized the opportunity and, under cover of darkness, got to the library, where she hit Shinigami, whom she'd been bribing, on the head with the lead pipe! (to TRINITY)True or false? TRINITY:(amazed)True! Who are you, Perry Mason? HIIRO:So it must have been Kebo who shot Lex! KEBO:I didn't do it! ORE:Well, there's nobody else left. KEBO:But I didn't do it!(pauses, realizing something)The gun is missing! Whoever's got the gun, shot the girl! Lucas pulls the gun from his pocket. LUCAS:I shot her. Who's the manly man NOW! ALL but KEBO:You?! KEBO:(knowingly)So it was you. I was going to expose you. LUCAS:(to Kebo)I know. So I choose to expose myself. ORE:Please, there are ladies present! LUCAS:(to All)You thought Justice was dead. But why? None of you even met him until tonight. Kebo understands. KEBO:You're Justice! TRINITY:One would think I'd know my own son. Lucas grins and starts to chuckle evilly. HIIRO:Wait a minute!(he runs to the study door pointing to Justice's body) So who did I kill? Lucas shrugs. LUCAS:My butler. HIIRO:Shucks. Lucas uses the revolver to wave the Hiiro to join the group. LUCAS:He was expendable, like all of you. I'm grateful to you all for disposing of my network of spies and informers. Saved me a lot of trouble. Now there's no evidence against me. SIM:This all has nothing to do with my disappearing nuclear physicist husband or Ore's work with the new top-secret fusion bomb. LUCAS:(laughing)No. Communism was just a red . . . herring. Lucas runs to the front door, keeping the revolver trained on the party. KEBO:But, the police will be here any minute! You'll never get away with this, any of you! LUCAS:Why should the police come? Nobody's called them. MIKA:You mean . . . oh, my God, of course! LUCAS:So why shouldn't we get away with it? We'll stack the bodies in the cellar, lock it, leave quietly one at a time, and forget that any of this ever happened. Kebo takes off his glasses and starts to put them in his jacket's inside pocket. KEBO:And you'll just go on blackmailing us all. LUCAS:Of course. Why not? KEBO:Well, I'll tell you why not. He whips a pistol from his jacket and fires. Lucas tries to get off a shot but is far too slow. The butler is hit. LUCAS:(shocked)Good shot, Kebo. He slides down the closet door to the floor and looks at the blood flowing out of his chest. LUCAS:Very good . . . Lucas dies. Kebo stands fully, lowering the pistol. He already looks more confident than he has yet during the night. Sim steps up to him. He points the pistol at her. SIM:Are you a cop? KEBO:No, I'm a plant. TRINITY:A plant? I thought men like you were usually called a "fruit." KEBO:Very funny.(he pulls out a badge)F.B.I. That phone call from Pheonix was for me. He steps up to the front door and grabs the handle. KEBO:I told you I didn't do it! He opens the front door. Cops pour in. The elderly evangelist (Pheonix) follows them in. PHEONIX:All right. Whodunit? The guests all try to explain, blaming each other. The cops, confused, keep pointing their guns at different guests. Kebo shouts above the din. KEBO:They all did it! But if you want to know who killed Justice, I did. In the Hall, with the revolver. Take 'em away, Pheonix. I'm going to go home and sleep with my wife. The camera freezes as Kebo turns to leave. MIKA:Kebo! I am your wife! *OWARI*